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Letter From Child Of Divorce: What You Must Know Before The Next Argument

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 11.48.58 AMAs an online divorce review site, we are interested in every aspect of what you’re going through and want to help you weather the storms. What we’ve noticed for many of you is that you are going through a breakup and trying to become effective co-parents. Unfortunately, you can’t control how the other party will respond, but you can control how you handle it.

You’ve probably heard studies about the downfalls of divorce on your kids, and you don’t want to put them through a rough breakup, but your spouse seems so intent on getting under your skin that it’s hard to bite your tongue. Enter The Child of Divorce website. The informational resource recently launched a viral video that has been seen more than 1.1 million times now, and it’s worth a look just in case you feel yourself about to snap at your ex.

“Dear Mom and Dad,” it begins. “I know you are hurting. I’m hurting, too. I feel and feed off your tension, fear and shock. Although I am young and can’t express verbally what is happening in our lives, I’m still feeling the impact. My heart is broken every time I have to give up a parent. My sense of security is lost. Please don’t assume that I’m resilient. Don’t assume that my life will be exactly as it was, and that I will continue to feel the same love from both of you. I’m a human being just like you. My needs are just like yours. I need love, attention, nurturing, stability, consistency, affection, understanding, patience, and, mostly, to be wanted. When you fight over me or put me in the middle of your argument, you’re sending me the message that winning with each other is more important than my life. I am learning from you that it is better to be right than to be loved.”

We highly recommend checking out the full video at this link. In it, you’ll get great insight not on what WILL go wrong with your kids during a divorce, but what COULD go wrong if you’re not aware of what they’re going through. Watch. Take it to heart. And even if you’ve got an unhelpful spouse, be the best that you can be so your kids will have the example they need. Good luck!

Being Single: What Is Better About It?

Our online divorce review site is often interested in getting different perspectives on post-divorce plans and whether you are looking forward to being in another committed relationship or staying single. When a reddit member recently asked the community what the best things about being single were, our interests immediately perked up. Here were some of the best responses.

1. “Sleeping in bed diagonally.

2. “I’m 2 months out of a 2.5 year relationship. The sadness is fading and I’m beginning to feel a sense of relief. At 28 years old, I’m relieved that I only have to think about myself for everything like where am I going to eat, to making major financial decisions and paying off student loans. I hope that doesnt come off as selfish, it really has been quite liberating.”

3. “It’s far better to have feelings of loneliness when you’re single, than to have those same emotions while you’re in a relationship.”

4. “Not being let down. … It is such a painful experience to be constantly let down by someone you love. I know this doesn’t apply to happy, functional relationships, but regardless. At least when I am single, I don’t suffer that same disappointment that the person I care about wasn’t willing to be considerate of me, or would let me down if it meant they had to work hard. Caring about someone, and then having them let you down over and again, and realizing they don’t care about you as much as you do them; its painful in a very specific way that is hard to explain.”

5. “The best and worst thing is summed up in one sentence. ‘I don’t have to explain why I bought that sword.’”

6. “Shameless flirting with intent.”

7. “Not having to live with the consequences of somebody else’s decisions.”

8. “I get to eat ALL the slices of pizza.”

9. “Sex is less frequent, but it’s an accomplishment rather than just a pastime.”

10. “When I was single and all my friends were getting married, I started running regularly, started painting again and the best thing, I started my path to a career change. Then, while I was busy doing all that, I met him.”

What do you appreciate the most about being single or what are you looking forward to about it? Sound off in the comments section.

Confronting The ‘Other Man Or Woman’: How Some Look At It

As an online divorce review site, we see many cases come through that were initiated due to an act of infidelity. Most of the time, the couples contemplating divorce choose to part ways and be done with it, but sometimes, that isn’t enough for the spouse who was cheated on, and they would rather confront the other Mister or Miss with whom their spouse got involved. Here’s how several redditors looked at it.

1. “True story… Shook his hand and thanked him for inheriting the crazy… They were finished in a month.”

2. “… yes, I’ve confronted the other guy on the two occasions I’ve been cheated on. It was not even a little satisfying in the long run. I was young and dumb.”

3. “I wasn’t going to before he showed up at my house the day after me and my ex-SO broke up. She let him in, I grabbed a bat and beat … him. … he ended up in hospital and the police said if he presses charges I could go to jail. He didn’t, but I still regret doing it. … Moral of the story. It’s not worth it. Let it go and move on.”

4. “Accidentally. He was one of her close friends so I knew him fairly well. He just so happened to start taking guitar lessons the same place I was the week after it happened. I walked downstairs to the place and lo and behold he’s standing right there. He tried to duck away so I couldn’t see him, but I thought it would be funny to make it as awkward as possible so conversed with him for a bit. He was squirming the entire time.

“This was in high school (specifically my senior year) so kind of different than a relationship later in life, but this was the last time to my knowledge that I was cheated on.”

5. “My ex had the audacity to introduce me to him a couple months after we broke up. I just walked away, and never spoke to her again. I don’t know why I was speaking to her in the first place.”

6. “You’re blaming the wrong person. Stop getting mad at the other person for your SO’s infidelity.”

What would you do, or what have you done in this situation? Sound off in our comments section.

How To Know If They’re Still In Love With You

As an online divorce review site, we stay interested in topics associated with marriage and divorce, and one of the biggest is love. But whether you’re still in a marriage or you’re looking at doing it again, how do you know if your partner still loves you? Maybe these examples can shed some light.

1. “My girlfriend tries to stay awake until I come home. I tend to work a lot of late nights, but she’s more of an “early to bed, early to rise” kinda girl, so she always tries to stay awake so she can at least say good night. She’s studying abroad right now, and she still tries to stay awake until I come home from work so we can skype goodnight :)”

2. “The other day I was having a really bad day. Just sad and upset and generally horrible. So we’re laying in bed watching TV and during a break he goes to the kitchen for whatever reason. When he gets back he hands me a burnt marshmallow on a stick. Because he knows how much I love burnt marshmallows and that it would make me happy. Needless to say, my day was instantly better and I love that guy a lot.”

3. “I seriously injured my back recently and he helps me do absolutely everything and expects nothing back. When I start to feel bad for needing him so much, he reassures me that he’s my husband and he loves helping me. ‘For better or for worse.’ It means a lot.”

4. “I have been dating her for three years, and honestly no matter how mad I am at her, when she calls me Jamie Giraffe there’s no way I can be mad. It’s such a simple thing to be called a special nick name but its so special.”

5. “The way she smiles after I kiss her. It’s always the little things.”

6. “Every morning, my wife of 18 years gets up before me and makes coffee. She doesn’t drink coffee.”

7. “When he wakes up in the middle of the night and kisses me while still half asleep. That makes me feel like even when he’s semi-conscious he wants to show me he loves me.”

8. “When I’m stressed out and miserable because of my job, he always says ‘Just quit. We’ll be okay,” when he knows full well that we need the money my job brings in. He’d rather have to scrape and scratch to pay the bills than see me unhappy. And because I love him, I keep working.”

Online Dating: Is Written Communication Enough To Have Feelings For Someone?

If your divorce is final and you’re ready to step into the world of online dating the same as millions of others around the globe, then you may be wondering how effective the process really is, and whether or not it’s possible to fall in love with someone or develop feelings for them based on words alone. This question was asked of reddit members recently on the r/AskReddit sub. Here were some of the best responses.

1. “It is possible to love who that person is from the way they talk (type), but physical attraction is a big part of love. Once you realize you are not attracted to that person all that ‘love’ goes away real quick. Sad, but true.”

2. “Writing is usually very personal and displays a person’s true personality better than verbal communication. It’s harder to mask who you really are with written words. So, yes, I believe that it’s completely possible.”

3. “For me, yes, which is probably sad. If she has my favorite qualities in a girl, it’s an instant crush for me. And if we continue contact, I don’t see why not. Never had it happen before though.”

4. “Yes. Three years later bam married. No regrets.”

5. “Maybe. If both of you prefer written communication, then yes. But body language is so important. I don’t think I could fall in love completely without knowing whether our physical quirks align or not.”

6. “Absolutely whether that love would continue after I met would be questionable. I have had a few LTR [long term relationships] where I felt I was in love and after many months met the person and it wasn’t the same.”

7. “I could perhaps fall in love with my idea of a person through their written communication, but I believe I’d need to meet them in the flesh to know if my idea of them matched reality. The adage ‘actions speak louder than words’ is apt here, a guy might be able to write the most moving poetry I’ve ever read but I wouldn’t be able to judge him until I know first hand how he treats people. … Another thing that’s quite personal to me is smell and manners, I simply couldn’t fall in love with anyone with bad body odor or who eats with their mouth open, no matter how eloquent and caring they may be, I’d wish them all the luck in the world with other, more tolerant, ladies, but not with me.”

What do you think, readers? Is it possible to fall in love and have a truly meaningful relationship from written communications? Share your thoughts in our comments section.

Why Do I Have To Pay Alimony?

Alimony may be awarded when the court decides, based on predetermined criteria and the individual dynamic of the marriage, that one spouse contributed enough to the marriage to warrant ongoing or temporary support. Some states allow lifetime alimony while others are moving away from it. Regardless of where you live, though, here are some reasons why you may end up paying it to your spouse.

1. Your spouse gave up working for a number of years.

Courts see this as a sacrifice for the marriage because the non-working spouse, in theory, contributed to holding the household together so the working spouse could maximize career potential. Their efforts made your success possible, the logic goes, and so that should be compensated for a length of time after the marriage is over.

2. Your spouse took a career setback for you.

The sacrifice mentioned above is also seen in the non-working spouse’s difficulty reentering the workforce. If she has been out of work for five years, for example, she isn’t as marketable as other candidates and may have to renew her professional credentials in some way. This takes time and it can be difficult to maintain a worthy lifestyle during that time.

3. Your spouse was a stay-at-home parent during the marriage.

Children require a great deal of time and attention. They’re usually the toughest job that a person will ever take on, and the pay isn’t very good. (Though the hugs are.) Childcare is one of the most common reasons that a spouse might leave the job force, and it takes some time to recover professionally once the little ones are self-sustaining. For this reason, a court will usually award alimony.

How is alimony determined?

The short answer is “on a case-by-case basis.” Most courts use a formula so that if the non-working spouse was married 15 years, for example, the alimony might run for 10 or until the non-working spouse finds gainful employment. However long it is, it’s an expense that you may have to plan for, so consider it when working out the financial details prior to filing.

5 Best Pieces Of Advice For Getting Over An Ex

As an online divorce review site, we see many visitors who struggle through the divorce process to get over their ex. Usually these are not people who want the divorce, but they realize the decision is no longer in their hands, and now they’re left with the question of what to do. What comes next? To help, we’ve compiled some of our favorite responses from reddit pertaining to the art of getting over an ex. See if any of these help you get to a better place.

1. “This too shall pass. Your ultimate goal is to be in an emotional place of neither love nor hate. To be business-like in any and all dealings with your ex. Notice I didn’t say this would be easy or happen overnight but like any worthy goal, it is attainable and the sooner you start your journey to that goal the quicker you will heal and move forward.”

2. “Exercise has been quite a salvation for me. I haven’t tried much strict meditation, but yoga and I have gotten quite close in the last year.”

3. “I know I could never recover having found out she was fooling around. Also, I know that me being nostalgic about our past is normal. We did have good times and I appreciate and give thanks for all I’ve learned about myself in my marriage and my divorce. … I am feeling better now about my life, headed in a good direction. This much I know, and I’m gonna take it one day at a time. Also, Tong Len meditation has helped me out a bunch.”

4. “It’s cliche and SO much easier said than done, but you need to refocus on yourself. Which traits did you bury because she didn’t like them? Rediscovering those parts of yourself might be a good place to start in recapturing that feeling of excitement and fulfilment in your life without your ex.”

5. “What’s also good to try is changing your environment. Simple things like removing pictures, rearranging furniture, redecorating, a new shirt, or wardrobe. Changing where you go after work, on weekends, even the route you take. All these little changes add up to a new outlook, to looking forward rather than back.”

What is some of the best advice that you have received for getting over an ex? Sound off in our comments section.

Marriage As Discipline: How To Embrace The Work Part

Karl Pillemer, author of the book 30 Lessons for Loving, recently stopped by Huffington Post and shared some helpful advice that was given to him by elderly people he interviewed for the new book. Their advice covered living and loving, and on the topic of marriage, one thing became clear: approach it as a discipline.

Pillemer said that elders “viewed marriage as an unbreakable bond; they simply had to work within those parameters. That means, for example, you live through rough patches and don’t just try to get out of the relationship. You come to accommodations and acceptances of the other person. You see this unit as something that is bigger than two people and their immediate individual satisfaction.”

More from HuffPo:

“When they got married, they were making a commitment to the concept of marriage as a worthwhile institution, rather than the partnership based on immediate satisfaction of the individuals involved.

“I got from them the idea of marriage as a discipline — not a punishment kind of discipline but the way it’s used if you’re learning music or a martial art. Marriage is a lifelong path, one that you never perfect and that you continually work to get better at. You’re continually working to improve communication and overcome problems and establish more interest.

“This worldview — that once you were in marriage, you were in it for good — shaped people’s day-to-day experience and view of it. It’s one of the things which those who do articulate it recommend to younger people. They say, even if the reality is that you may not stay married, you ought to have this attitude, because it will make you work harder to get through difficult times. And there are such benefits to doing that that you ought to do it.”

As an online divorce review site, we know this isn’t an approach that everyone can, or even should, take because so much depends on the other party. But it is invaluable advice for anyone hoping to bridge the gap of differences that can exist in a  marriage. It’s definitely worth considering the next time that you have issues in a relationship. But what do you think, readers? Are the elders right or is this advice an oversimplification?

3 Things Every Single Parent Should Know About Dating

As an online divorce review site, we take a great deal of interest in how the people who visit our page fare after the divorce is final. Many of these individuals are single moms and dads, and eventually each one will wonder about reentering the dating field. When that occurs, we want you to be prepared for the road ahead, so your time isn’t wasted. Here are some recommendations for how to succeed.

1. Be protective of your children. 

Children have a simpler way of looking at the world, and they’re more likely to get attached to someone quickly than you are, having just come out of a relationship. For this reason alone, you should think twice about introducing them to someone you are dating. Try to keep that meeting from happening until you are serious about pursuing a relationship, or else you run the risk of circling through an endless batch of prospects to confuse your child.

2. Be cautious with social media. 

Many single parents immediately jump out into the dating world and start posting pictures of them with their dates. They also play fast and loose with the privacy settings on their accounts, posting photos of their children to anyone who can see. Keeping these two streams separate is important. For starters, it might be easy for your child to access your account and see that you’ve been with people who are decidedly not Dad. While there is no crime against this, it can confuse things, and if you and your ex have agreed to keep things private regarding your private lives, it can raise uncomfortable questions between you and your ex. Bottom line: don’t be in a hurry to broadcast your dating status to the world, especially when you have little ones at home. And don’t friend just anyone — i.e. people you go out with once or twice — who can see all the photos of you with your kids. You want to be careful with the access that you allow to your life.

3. Don’t be with someone who can’t go with the flow. 

Taking care of children and coordinating with an ex requires flexibility, and if you’re dating someone who doesn’t have the patience for it, then you need to cut that relationship off before both of you get hurt. Your kids are your number one priority, so make sure anyone you date knows that and that they’re fine with moving at your pace.

By sticking to these recommendations, you’ll stand a much better chance of success. Best of luck as you take that step.

How To Get Along With An Ex If You’re Married To Theirs

parental_responsibilityBeing a stepparent isn’t always easy, but as an online divorce review service, we know that more often than not, when two people with kids divorce, a stepmom or stepdad will eventually enter the picture. The harmony between stepparents and their S.O.’s exes is important to the development and happiness of the child, and so we felt it was important to discuss a few things about how you can get along with “the ex” if you find yourself married to their ex. Our recommendations:

1. Realize that your primary job is not to be the child’s mother or father.

If their mother or father is still in the picture, then you will have to realize this sooner rather than later. As long as they have their parents as an active and legal part of their lives, there will be nothing you can do to change that, so you might as well embrace the reality.

2. Work to make sure that the child’s relationship with both parents is healthy.

You can do this by setting aside any differences that you may have with the ex for the sake of the child. When you realize that it’s healthier for the child to have good relationships with both parents, then you will want to facilitate that, provided that you want what’s best for the child (and if you don’t, then you really shouldn’t be married to someone with kids). The best way to facilitate that relationship is to make it easy for their real mom or dad to see them, tension-free.

3. If you can’t be the child’s parent, then be a positive role model.

The better of a role model that you are to the kid, the better your relationship will be with his biological parents. Even if you and “the ex” start out not liking each other, you will end up respecting one another if the child’s best interests are what matter most to you.

Are you a stepparent or perhaps a biological parent who had to get used to a stepparent being around? What are some tips that you can provide to improve the relationship? Share in our comments section.