AuthorAnthony Fitch

Home»Articles Posted by Anthony Fitch (Page 7)

4 Things Every New Parent Should Do To Keep Their Relationship From Stumbling

As an online divorce review site, it never surprises us to see that more than half of the divorces that happen in the United States are from couples with children. Having a child is a major event in the life of two people who were previously used to going it alone. Even in cases when the couple has more than one child, having a second or third baby is sort of like starting over again since each pregnancy is different and the demands of an infant are unique.

Experts often advise new parents to avoid making major life altering decisions in the first year of a child’s life, yet each year many men and women split before their child’s first birthday. To keep this from happening, here are four things every new parent should do to keep their relationship from stumbling.

1. Find together time.

New parents are often completely focused on the child, and they lose the spark that drew them to one another. That’s easy to do when you’re both so drained of energy, privacy, and time. While you may not be ready for the extra expense, you should find a way to get your child into the hands of a responsible caretaker at least twice a month and use that free time to date and rekindle your romance. If you have a trusted family member, hit them up. If twice a month is too much for them, then consider using them once a month and then hiring a recommended sitter on night two.

2. Start going to bed at the same time again.

When you were pregnant or you just brought the child home from the hospital, there was probably a lot of sleeping in separate rooms and going to bed at different times. Don’t allow that to become the norm. You need that close bond in order to regain your status as a “couple” and not just two caretakers.

3. Recalibrate your financial goals.

Kids come with new expenses, and if you’re not organized, the experience of raising them can eat a hole in your savings account. Be structured as you take on new expenses and try to cut out areas of waste to offset.

4. Spend less time on social media and more time together. 

Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and the lot can be mind-numbing, relationship-dividing activities. You end up spending more time spying on the lives of other people then communicating with each other. Stop! Put down the phones, hold hands, kiss, talk, and enjoy each other as individuals.

Anyone have memories of being a new parent? Did it end your relationship, or were you able to thrive? Share your experiences in our comments section.

This Woman Had An Affair And Is Sure It Will Turn Into A Healthy Relationship: Why She’s Wrong

Claire from Divorced Moms recently got quite a few eyebrows raising when she wrote an article entitled, “Here’s Why My Affair Will Turn Into A Healthy, Long-Term Relationship.” Claire’s marriage is coming to a close. She’s fallen in love with another man and has embarked on an affair that is still in its early stages, yet somehow, she has the foresight to know this is it. The one that works.

It didn’t take readers long to set her straight. Here are some of our favorite and most insightful responses.

1. “I don’t think it matters what happened in the marriage. What happens in the marriage doesn’t justify having an affair. If the marriage is so bad, fix it or get a divorce. If you choose to divorce, do your best to put it all behind you and then, and only then, move forward with dating and possibly being in another relationship. To do anything else is somewhere between foolish to downright morally bankrupt.”

2. “If something is true, pure and right, you wouldn’t have to justify it.”

3. “Infidelity is for selfish people who allow their impulses to override their duty to their family. There are just too many egotistical people who have no integrity or responsibility to anyone other than themselves. I get really tired of seeing these bogus articles talking about how their impropriety is justifiable and their previous commitments never really mattered to begin with.”

4. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but statistically these type of relationships almost never work out. It’s amazing the type of rationalization and denial some of us are capable of.”

5. “It’s easy for her to write so emphatically about a future that has yet to be seen.”

6. “Also interesting that she’s the one who cheated; it’s easy to be convinced that trust issues won’t be a problem if you’re not the one who has to do the trusting!”

7. “Here is why you won’t: the relationship you had/have is just a fantasy. Real life never entered the picture. The real world where you have to nag him to run the errands or pick up clothes. The real world where he isn’t riding on a white horse, but rather sitting on his ass on the couch all night after work. You are delusional. When things were hard in your marriage, you left for something easy.”

Do you think it’s possible to have a relationship that lasts “till death do us part” when it was started from infidelity? Share your thoughts in our comments section.

How Do Married People Handle Money?

As an online divorce review site, we’re always looking for interesting bits of information to pass along, especially to those of you who are thinking about tying the knot again and are concerned about what many believe is the number one cause of divorce — money issues. Today, we’ve compiled our favorite suggestions for how to handle money as a long-term couple as told by the reddit community. Let’s get started.

1. “My wife and I have four main bank accounts: The joint account, My account, Her account, Savings account. Every pay period, we each get a little bit ($60) auto-deposited in our individual account, and the rest goes into joint. This means that each month we each get roughly $120 to play with, go out, buy stuff, whatever – without having to justify, ask permission, or explain it to the other. Everything else comes out of the joint account – mortgage, bills, utilities, if we go out to eat together, etc. The savings account gets a certain amount each month (obviously you would set this amount based on what you’re comfortable with). This method has worked perfectly for a long time, we don’t argue about money. If you have debt to pay off, I also recommend looking up Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover (you don’t really need the book, just look up the ‘debt snowball’ and start from there).”

2. “Married 10 years with 3 kids — always shared accounts, we now make roughly the same income. Money battles are a fact of life for most marriages. For a while I was making almost twice what she was, and worst, while she wasn’t working and caring for the kids … her income was much lower than mine. It wouldn’t be fair to her to restrict her spending money because she didn’t ‘earn’ it. When we got married we stopped being two individuals and became 1 family unit. When we need a car we look at what we can afford together, same for all major expenses. For the day to day small things [we] just give each other warnings about upcoming expenses to avoid over spending at the wrong times. … We have friends that maintain separate accounts but they don’t have kids yet. I can’t imagine a good system once children come into play.”

3. “We decide how much each pays towards bills by a ratio of our incomes rather than 50-50….”

4. “My grandparents have been married for 57 years and they still have separate bank accounts. They take turns paying for things and split their bills. They are living a comfortable life.”

5. “We have 4 accounts — a joint checking, a joint savings then individual ‘allowance’ accounts. Each paycheck goes directly into checking, only enough for expenses is kept in it, the rest is transferred into savings. We also have automatic transfers of $150 the day after payday that goes into each of our allowances … This helps enormously with fighting about expenses like my daily coffee stop, his hobby parts, shoes I want but don’t need. If it isn’t a regular house expense, it has to come out of allowance. We usually don’t count work clothes, but since my work is pretty casual the lines get blurry sometimes. I highly recommend it because we rarely fight about money.”

What do you think are some good money management suggestions for long-term relationships/marriages? Sound off in our comments section.

The Single Vs. Taken Debate, And What You Can Learn From It

Comedy site ScrollDroll recently posted a list of sad-but-true graphics to Facebook that illustrate rather ingeniously the difference between a single man and one who is taken. As an online divorce review site, we found it interesting because it highlights potential relationship problems that could lead to divorce. There are lessons to be learned in each of these, which you can find in their entirety at this link. For our purposes, we’re going to focus on a few of the most common.

single v taken friends

1. Where Did My Friends Go?

You’ve heard the old joke that when a woman stays out all night and her husband calls 10 of her friends to see if she slept over, none of them have a clue what he’s talking about; yet when the roles are reversed, the woman finds that her husband not only slept in eight different places at the same time, he’s actually still at two of them in spite of the fact that he’s in the next room brushing his teeth. As a single man, you are part of a brotherhood. Too often, you lose that by losing contact with your friends after marriage. While your spouse does need to be priority one, you can’t lose your identity in the process, or the marriage will be headed for shaky ground.

single v taken friend requests

2. Friend Requests

Social networking makes it much easier to facilitate affairs, and it all starts with a simple friend request. When you’re single, you may find yourself accepting anybody and everybody. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with this. But when you’re married, you should be more discerning about who you’re confirming or deleting. Why should you ever accept a request from an old significant other? No good can come from it.

single v taken drinking

3. Drinking With Reckless Abandon

Drinking and substance abuse is something else that you should avoid as a solo activity. In the graphic above, beer represents the single man’s independence. But that can also lead to some pretty reckless decision-making. It’s usually never a good idea to go out drinking without your spouse. It makes temptation very tough to avoid if you can’t do it responsibly. As a “taken” man, you have a commitment to someone else, and so a glass of wine or even a shared six-pack are much better than going to the bars by yourself.

[Images linked above]

Surviving The Holidays! Why Divorced People Are More Relieved When It’s Over

For much of the world, the holidays are a time for joy and celebration, but as an online divorce review site, we often see the opposite of this. Instead of being a time of togetherness and happiness, divorced people are wrestling with issues like loneliness, hostile co-parenting, and children who don’t understand why Mom and Dad won’t be together for them.

More often than not, divorced people are relieved to get through the holidays because the narrative that surrounds them doesn’t line up with the reality they face. Those who relate to the above-described scenario now feel like they can breathe again. Here are just some of the things that they “get back” once the holidays are done.

1. Healthy routines.

Christmas and New Year’s can interfere with the healthy, established routines that they’ve taken comfort in all year. It means that if they want to go to a store two hours before closing, they can still look around and have fun instead of being rushed out for “special holiday hours.” It also means that they don’t have to navigate as much traffic — foot and auto — and that they don’t have to dent their budget with a slew of gifts for the family they have left.

2. Less temptation. 

Temptation takes many forms during the holidays. It can come in overeating, in damaging alcohol, in being with someone simply because you don’t want to be alone. The holidays are often a showcase for all the things that a divorced person is missing as a result of ending their marriage. It can cloud judgment when they’re constantly bombarded with the seemingly picture perfect lives of others.

3. The chance for a fresh start.

The holidays often promise hope of a better year to come, but until they’re over, it’s usually about maintaining the status quo. When the last celebration is done, many divorced people see what lies ahead as opportunity for action, and they feel a rejuvenated spirit to embrace it head-on.

Now that the holidays are over, it’s time to relish the advantages that await you as a divorced person and to step into the routines and goals that will enrich your life.

Passive Aggressive Behaviors In A Marriage: Ever A Good Idea?

As an online divorce review site, we’re drawn not just to the goal of making divorce less burdensome on those who’ve decided to move forward, but we’re also fascinated by the behaviors that can push a marriage to the breaking point. Over the years, one of the most common that comes to mind is that of the passive aggressive husband or wife.

Passive aggressiveness is essentially an indirect expression of hostility. It is a way of saying that you are displeased with something or someone without coming out and expressing your feelings. There are numerous reasons why people choose to be passive aggressive. It could be out of fear or pettiness or boredom. (Boredom, as in they want to see how long it takes their spouse to “guess at” what they’re feeling.)

It’s frequently used, but is it ever a good idea?

In a word, no.

Re-reading the definition makes this answer a bit self-explanatory. There is nothing wrong with being tactful or reserved or slow-to-speak. In fact, those behaviors are generally wise. But those behaviors are not what passive aggressiveness is.

Passive aggressiveness is HOSTILITY, and hostility never wins arguments or solves anything. It simply keeps the conflict going and escalates it to a new level. It is a weapon, not a solution.

So what can you do if you have tendencies toward passive aggressive behavior?

1. Realize the difference between passive aggressiveness and “biting your tongue” or “keeping your cool.” Again, come back to the word “hostility.” It may not be loud and violent, but it’s negative, disruptive, and unhealthy.

2. If you feel the need to get a message across, speak it. If you can’t do that, then get to a quiet, private place away from your spouse and wait for the flood of negative emotions to subside.

3. Remember that people vary at their ability to pick up signals, and don’t take your spouse’s ignorance regarding what you’re feeling as a sign of aggression.

What are some things that have helped you avoid passive aggressive behavior? Sound off in the comments section!

Should You Ever Go Back To An Ex?

You may have heard the old saying that “exes are exes for a reason.” What this implies is that if you’re even considering getting back together with an ex, don’t do it. We’ve seen enough relationship redo’s between two people to know that it’s pretty common, even for those who’ve gone as far as getting divorced. Still, is it fair to make a blanket condemnation?

Most of the time, yes. 

It’s rather difficult to put together a working relationship when you have all kinds of relationship baggage and trust issues tied up into previous failed attempts. Still, if you’re willing to try, you may want to keep this Reddit response in mind.

“Are ALL the issues that caused you to break up ACTUALLY and FULLY resolved?

“If the answer is anything but a resounding yes, don’t get back together. If it’s a somewhat yes, stay separate, do what must be done to fix the issues/ put measures in place to fix them, and then if that works… then ask the question again.

“Note that my test doesn’t factor in feelings, love, things like that. People being abused in their relationships love their abusers in a lot of cases… and it’s awful. The point is: you can feel all the feels you want to feel, it doesn’t affect whether the relationship with the person you feel for will work.”

The key is in resolving issues, and most of the time, couples who pull this move with their relationship haven’t tried to answer the questions that need answering or to resolve the issues that need resolving.

Rose-colored glasses are a problem when it comes to a relationship where there is a history of failure, and if you don’t want to break up or, worse, find yourself in another divorce case with the same person, then you have to take a frank and honest look about the ways that you’ve both failed each other in previous efforts.

Do you think it’s possible to get back together with an ex and have a successful relationship? Sound off in our comments section.

4 Secrets To A Great Divorce

When it comes to relationships, you often hear about the secrets to having a great one, but no one ever talks much about the secrets to a great divorce. As an online divorce review site, this topic comes up a lot because it really is possible to end a marriage without going through a dozen or more headaches and experiencing stress to the max. Whether you’re hiring an attorney or handling things yourself, here are the secrets to making it work when it doesn’t work out.

1. Forget love and practice respect.

You don’t have to love one another any more to have a good divorce. You may not even like one another. The key is to keep that from manifesting itself into a negative form of action. That’s why respect is so important. If you can respect your soon-to-be ex as a human being, then you will be able to work through any differences that arise.

2. Keep children from the mudslinging. 

Ideally there won’t be any mudslinging if you’re able to respect one another, but if you should have disagreements and verbal conflicts, make sure you keep the kids far away from that. It’s best to go to a location that will afford you privacy so you can talk out your differences civilly. Perhaps consider working with a mediator to avoid circumstances where arguments can reel out of control.

3. Discuss your options before going separate ways.

Simply talking about how each of you expect the divorce to go and how you want to do your best to avoid headaches and conflict escalation will create an awareness to see you through the process or at least ground you to a common goal when things start to veer off course.

4. Learn to forgive even if you’re not asked for forgiveness.

Not only will this prepare you for any negotiations that arise, it will also make it easier to transition into life as a single person once the papers are final.

If you’re still not sure about the next steps to take, consider browsing through our online divorce reviews. We cover both attorney referral services and DIY forms sites. By picking the best pathway, it will be easier to put the above secrets to good use.

These Children Of Divorce Share The Moments They Forgave Their Parents

Being a child of divorce has never been easy. The grief and the tension that goes along with having two homes is a major source of concern to the people who come to our online divorce review site. Well, recently on Reddit someone asked an interesting question to the grown children of divorce: When did you forgive the parent who initiated the divorce action? The responses are quite eye-opening and range from true forgiveness to apathy. Here are some of the best responses.

1. “I forgave my mom when I saw her happy for the first time in my life.”

2. “My dad cheated. I love my dad though. I hate what he did and I hate the decisions he made a long time ago. I’ve never heard him apologize but I know he’s sorry for breaking the family and I know he’s sorry for putting me and siblings through it. My dad is a great father, he just wasn’t a good husband. I don’t really know why I’ve forgiven him, I’d just like to think the positive which is that he’s truly sorry and he regrets his past decisions. I have a fine relationship with him, but often, I think to myself the hurt he’s caused my mom and it makes me upset and angry, but I don’t like to think like that. My mom is happy now, and so is my dad, and I’m trying not think what could my life be like had my dad been faithful.” 

3. “My mom was abusive, so my dad left. He didn’t just leave her, though–he abandoned both me and my brother, and then my mom turned her abuse toward me. My dad technically instigated the divorce, but I can’t blame him for that. My mom treated him terribly, and I can sort of understand why he ran away, even from his children. He was probably completely traumatized. My mom is just mentally ill. I forgave her in the sense that I don’t feel any ill will toward her, but she and I are not in contact. My grandmother was mostly the one who raised me anyway, so I wasn’t close with my mom to begin with. She didn’t want me and never really liked me. Her mental illness is one that causes profound emotional pain for her, but it also causes her to inflict that pain on others. I forgive her, but that doesn’t mean I have to expose myself to that kind of abuse. Neither of them have ever apologized, and I’m okay with that. It’s been ten years this week since they separated (yep, my dad left just days before Christmas), and I’m basically indifferent to it now. I used to wish my parents would divorce so the nightly fights would stop. I can”t really blame my mom for having Borderline Personality Disorder, so I guess I just sort of forgave her by default, over time.”

4. “I forgave because I had to let that … go. As Buddha says, ‘holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned.’ I bottled up my resentment to my mother, and eventually was able to let it go as my new life became the new normal. I can do that even knowing that, I honestly believe everyone involved would have been better off had it not happened.”

5. “When time has come and you find yourself in their shoes and you end up following their path.”

6. “Life was better once they’d split, so at the time I was grateful (and 8 years old) – no more tense mealtimes or waking up hearing arguments downstairs.”

Most agreed that if their parent put forth effort, forgiveness was inevitable. Are you worried about how your children will take the divorce? Make sure you make the process as easy on them as possible by reading through some of our online divorce reviews for the best option.

Divorce Expectations: Why You Should Get Them Out In The Open

Divorce expectations may vary depending on how much of an optimist you are. For most, the process is something to be feared and dreaded. Filling out forms isn’t the way one wants to spend their weekend, nor is missing work to sit in a courtroom. The flip side of that coin, however, is when a future divorcee thinks they’re going to get everything they want — kids, over half of the assets, alimony for life, child support, etc.

No matter how unlikely or extreme your divorce expectations are, you should get them out in the open. Talk about them with friends. Write them down. Explore the worst and best case scenarios together. Why? Let’s explore.

1. It causes you to be ready for anything.

By stating your expectations on a positive and negative scale, you’re maintaining hope while exploring the real possibility that you’re not going to get everything you want out of the divorce settlement. Realistic tones are good when it comes to divorce because it tempers disappointment when something doesn’t go your way.

2. It allows you to think about alternatives. 

When you are actually entertaining the possibility that your spouse will get custody of the kids, for example, this allows you to shift your thinking into a more edifying focus. So that didn’t go my way, you tell yourself. What’s something that is going my way? How can I capitalize on that?

3. It draws the line in the sand that you’re going to need for fighting through a contested divorce.

When you start looking at divorce expectations as something realistic, you’re going to be able to separate the “it would be nice” goals with the “deal breaker” goals. This is where you find out what is really important to you and how far you’re willing to go to get it.

If you and your spouse are considering divorce, check out some of our online divorce reviews to see what your best option will be.