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Parenting During Tragic Times, Part I

On December 14th a gunman stormed Newtown, Connecticut’s  Sandy Hook Elementary School and killed 27 people, the majority of the casualties being children between the ages of 5 and 8. The horrific incident has sparked debates over gun control laws and mental health care reform. In addition to shocking and wounding the nation deeply, the Sandy Hook tragedy has confronted parents with difficult questions from their younger children.

Do We Tell the Children?

After a horrific incident like the Sandy Hook shooting, parents the world over hug their children more often and tighter. Parents with safe, living children feel the other parents’ excruciating pain of losing a child; but parents with unharmed children also feel guilt over their good fortune. That is, until those parents must explain what happened to their children.

Most parents teeter on the brink of telling and not telling their children about tragedies, but think about this: If you don’t bring up the topic with your children, someone else will either directly with your child or indirectly. Children are usually in their strange little day dream spheres, but that does not mean they are not observant. News of the Sandy Hook shooting is bound to wind up on the child’s radar. So instead of hearing about it through the grapevine, it is best to break the news to them yourself in a safe, trusting environment.

How to Talk with Your Child About Tragedy

For divorced parents, finding ways and times to discuss topics like school shootings is more limited than married parents. But the talk should feel natural and easy, instead of scheduling a time and sitting the children down rigidly to break the news. This approach will spark some anxiety and nervous behavior because formally sitting down makes it seem like the child somehow is expected to take action or hold this act as a personal attack.

It is recommended to bring the topic up during a longer car ride, at dinner, or maybe during some down time. Ask your child if they heard about the incident, and ask them what they think and feel about it. Keep the conversation open and relaxed, and listen to the child’s words, tone, and expression.

If you detect excessive distress, let your child know the incident is bewildering and it’s okay to feel unsure and upset. However, make sure to ensure the child’s safety. Let them know you will always protect them, tell them how other adults feel protective of children too, and tell them about how schools will take extra precautions as well.

Divorce is basically expected in our society now since the divorce rate has settled at a steady 50%. There are many articles and studies about how divorce affects children, and how to  successfully co-parent. But the recent Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy has exposed an area of parenting we all hope we never have to face: How do you address topics like school shootings with your child? And more specifically, how do two divorced parents address these topics with their child? Read “Parenting During Tragic Times, Part II” to discover ways to co-parent during times of tragedy.

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Parenting During Tragic Times, Part II

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As a parent, how does one answer a question like, “Why did that man shoot those children?” Then there is the most base, yet most difficult question a parent could respond to: “What does it mean to be dead?” Parents treat these questions like live ammunition, and often collaborate on providing their child with a suitable answer. But what about the parents who are divorced and do not have as much collaboration time or willingness to cooperate with the other? How are children of divorced parents expected to fare when perplexed by the horrors of the world, like school shootings?

First and Foremost

When spouses decide to divorce, and they have children, those spouses are first and foremost parents. The spouses relationship as romantic partners is over, but their duties and roles as parents to their children is never, and should never be considered, over upon a divorce.

After a tragedy like Sandy Hook, all children will feel shaken and unsure about their own situation. In the child’s mind, no one is safe. After the Sandy Hook incident, it is natural for children to be more attached and anxious about losing a parent or family member, especially a child of a divorced family. In a way, the child has already ‘lost’ a parent, and will have enhanced separation anxiety after something like Sandy Hook. To combat the separation anxiety make sure both parents are fully available to the child if they should ask for them. Both parents should make sure the child can call, visit, or see them whenever the child needs.

Set the Tone

In divorced families, both parents must find a way and time to discuss how to approach the subject and talk with the children. If the parents feel it is necessary, the parents may decide to limit TV exposure to prevent the children from becoming over saturated by the news.

Make sure both parents are dedicated to listening to the child’s thoughts and feelings. Allowing the child to speak freely will not only strengthen the bond and trust between parent and child, but it will boost the child’s confidence to share feelings and thoughts. But listening must go beyond just quietly waiting for the child to finish speaking. Listening involves asking questions when appropriate and encouraging the child to fully express themselves.

In these conversations, parents should keep their comments positive and reassuring. When we say positive and reassuring comments, we mean restraining yourself from conveying feelings of anxiety and anger. It is completely appropriate to share your feelings of sadness and regret, but if you appear to be deeply, violently affected by Sandy Hook, your child will see you as less stable and comforting.

Parenting is a delicate business that leaves every parent’s nerves fried. The pressure of providing your child with the basis of their perspective makes you sweat bullets with each decision you make. But take a moment and relax; children are smart and capable of creating their own thoughts and opinions early. It is your job to nurture their mind and body by being a safe house, and the only way you can do that is by showering them with unlimited love. If they know they are loved, they will be okay.

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New York’s New Strange Divorce Law

New York has never played by common divorce laws adopted by basically every other U.S. state, so it’s no surprise the little stubborn state is making waves again. This time the Empire State is getting flack for their alimony laws. More specifically, the way New York divorce courts recognize degrees obtained during a marriage is under scrutiny.

Case in Point

In a Wall Street Journal article on the subject, an example of the unfair New York alimony laws was found in the divorce case between Tanya Finch and Kenneth Quarty. The couple married in 2000, around the time Finch started working on her nursing degree. The couple divorced in 2009, by which time Finch had received her nursing degree. During the divorce, Quarty requested and was eligible to receive a percentage of the money Finch would potentially earn as a direct result of the degree she earned during their marriage.

Quarty was able to obtain this “potentially” earned money upfront because of the New York divorce law that recognizes a degree or professional license as marital property. New York courts calculate the lifetime worth of the degree, and divide that value into two as a part of the marital estate. This practice and New York’s other strange divorce laws have been petitioned and submitted for review.

Who Really Owns Your Degree?

When people enroll in any college, university, trade or skilled craft course, they anticipate the moment when they will receive a certificate of completion with their name on it. However, based on the New York law, that certificate or diploma might as well be reprinted to state the alumnus’s spouses’ name as well as the alumnus’s. In fact, any employee may as well include their spouses name on their payroll account because the state of New York also views any profits from any career as marital property.

New York’s law is not unfounded completely because any spouses income is in theory supplemented and supported by the other spouse’s support, which can be as menial as washing dishes while the student spouse is studying.

Why, Oh, Why?

However, New York lawyers and divorcees are not fighting the order to pay spousal support or maintenance. New Yorkers are astonished by and fighting the courts’ ability to grant “potential income,” which is money a person has not earned yet. New York citizens are frozen stiff at the sheer amount of money they “owe” their divorced spouse, most of which they are not even expected to have at the time of ruling.

The New York alimony regulations were originally fashioned to level the playing field for low-income, dependent spouses of a divorce. Yet in these changing times, the inequality of the laws and regulations have been exposed. Currently, New York law makers are waiting for the Law Revision Commission report before taking measures to change this piece of legislature.

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The Divorcee’s Guide to the New Year

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The New Year is here, and if you’re divorced you might have been dreading NYE parties. If you’re divorced you probably have been dreading most social events because it eventually comes out: You’re divorced. Sometimes you can see the alarm in your new friend’s face, sometimes you can hear it. No matter how common divorce becomes, many people are still surprised when it comes out that you were in fact apart of one of those marriages that didn’t make it to 2013. But guess what? Part of the reason being divorced has become part of your identity is because you have let it. Harsh? Maybe a little, but here’s how to unstick that icky divorced you from just you.

Make a Resolution

New Years has passed, but we’re still in the infancy of 2013, so making a resolution is just fine. Besides, it’s not like there are resolution police setting up checkpoints. So make a resolution, right now, not to introduce yourself as the divorced friend; don’t tell your tale to willing coffee shop locals; refrain from throwing in references to your ex.

Divorce is devastating, but by allowing yourself to languish in the toxic ooze of divorce will only hurt you in the long run. Making a resolution to stop seeing yourself as the divorcee instead of the multitude of other things that make you, well, you will greatly enhance your 2013.

We do have one caveat: If you started 2013 as a newly divorced individual, give yourself some good wallowing time. It’s part of the grieving process and who are we to interfere with that? If, however, it’s been at least a year after your divorce, it’s time to put away that side of you and rediscover the other things about yourself.

Celebrate Yourself

Every now and again everyone needs a reminder of how cool they are, and divorcees are definitely in need of that. A great new trend to try out is a divorce party. They are a great way to close one chapter of your life in a lighthearted way, and to welcome the new chapter.

Here are a few tips for throwing a divorce party:

  • Rent a neutral space, like a local bar or restaurant you love for easy clean up and minimal set-up.
  • Make a list of possible invites and then narrow it down to people you feel are supportive and are positive influences in your life.
  • Send out invitations early so people have time to warm up to the idea. Also include a little info about why you’re throwing a divorce party (like, “celebrating a new phase in my life”) because it’s not likely they’ve been to a divorce party yet.
  • If you want a themed party, focus on lighthearted ones to not make others uncomfortable and to keep it fun.

Divorce is no walk in the park, but here’s to you not letting the negatives in life define you. Kick off 2013 on the right foot by shedding old skin and making way to grow into a stronger, more confident, happier person.

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Marriage Isn’t a Moral Measuring Stick

85784552Gray divorce was a big deal about three months ago, but now it’s nothing more than a little section on Huffintington Post: Divorce. It appears the world has already tired of the topic, except when celebrities and public figures are involved.

It’s true, Buzz Aldrin and his soon-to-be ex-wife, Lois Driggs Cannon, filed for divorce on December 28th, 2012. We won’t get into the details of the divorce because the amount of money the almost-former Ms. Aldrin is getting makes our pupils turn into dollar signs. What we will get into is how this piece of Aldrin news isn’t quite so depressing or indicative of moral looseness as one might assume.

Dear Old Buzz

Since making the second set of footprints on the moon, Buzz Aldrin has had quite a time of it in life. He’s been through a battle with alcoholism, two divorces and marriages, and a lifetime struggle of being labeled #2. The man is currently 82 years old, and has had a turbulent, probably exhausting life. Yet even at such a jaw dropping age he is making decisions a person half his age is making; he’s getting divorced and continuing his pursuit of happiness.

Buzz Aldrin just might reignite the world’s fascination with gray divorce. Well, at this point it’s more like white divorce, but here’s why divorce at any age isn’t telling of an amoral society.

Marriage Isn’t a Moral Measuring Stick

For generations marriage has been closely associated with morality, wholesomeness, and everything good and pure. But this is a romantic, unrealistic view of what marriage means for society. Just because a couple has decided to legally enter a union does not mean that life is in any way better than a single person’s life. Marriage shouldn’t be viewed just as something people in our world do. Ask yourself, do you want to get married because it’s something “people do”?

This question is what is really so shocking about gray divorce. News about gray divorce snaps people out of their day-to-day lives and makes them reevaluate their own situations. If older people, who are supposed to just wait around for the end, are refusing to settle in their lives, then why should the younger generations? The answer is: They shouldn’t.

Marriage is ________

So if marriage isn’t a moral measuring stick, what is it? Marriage is supposed to the be ultimate display and symbol of love. But love is a fickle emotion, as any stereotypical adolescent knows. For a marriage to stay a real marriage (meaning: still full of love), the spouses must constantly check in on their relationship, which is the basis of the marriage.(Could that simplistic idea be our answer? “Marriage is a relationship.”)

No one wants to be wrong, but if a marriage is discovered to run out of love without a hope of a refill, then why shouldn’t divorce be the solution? If this realization should creep into my life, I hope I have the strength to take a page from Buzz Aldrin and continue to live life like it has meaning up until the end.

As it stands, marriage is viewed as a test with only two options: pass or fail. But since the fail rate is about 50%, maybe it’s time to view marriage in a new light.

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Love, Divorce, and ‘Family’ Matters

200209831-001In the 21st century we like our families mixed. With the rise in divorce, it’s almost impossible for anyone to say they don’t have at least one step relation or acquaintance. This used to be a shameful topic because divorce used to be seen as a shameful act. But now marriage is seen as a romantic, heartfelt decision rather than a rational necessity, and there is (relatively) no shame in ending an unhappy marriage.

Yet after ending an unhappy marriage, you may be faced with the task of deciding who your family is. Does this signal the breakdown of the family as we know it, or the beginning of an evolved family structure?

21st Century Family

In 2010, the Pew Research Center uncovered that 42% of 2,691 surveyed adults had at least one step-relative in their family; of those 2,691, 30% had a step or half sibling, and 18% had a living stepparent. Welcome to the make up of almost every 21st century family, thanks to gender equality, changing morals, modernized divorce laws, and whatever else we can blame the high divorce rate on.

While 21st century families don’t quite look like The Jetsons, 21st century families do slightly resemble the Jetsons’ robot maid, Rosie. Like Rosie, 21st century families are made of different pieces fused together. In 21st century families, there are step-siblings, ex-stepparents, various “uncles” and “aunts” who aren’t related by blood or marriage, and ex-relations’ relations who need sentence-long introductions.

Yet somehow all these people can be easily defined as “family.” Family is usually defined as “a group of persons of common ancestry,” but there are many other definitions.

Are You My Family?

Merriam-Webster.com includes groups who share the same home, share the same convictons and values, as well as various related organisms as part of the definition of “family.” This is because relationships and the semantics of those relationships are complicated. Once two people have become acquainted they cannot un-know each other. The result is one big, happy Frankenfamily.

Remember the old saying, “You can’t choose your family”? Well, consider that saying to be outdated. With in-laws and other “family” coming and going in and out of marriage, there is a choice. If you never really bonded, you can let an ex-in-law fall by the wayside; on the flip side, if you have a strong bond with a now-ex-in-law, you don’t necessarily have to let them go. Of course every family is different, and the decision to keep a certain “relative” around is up to the individual.

Is the Family Stronger?

The term “Frankenfamily” might not be very inspiring or reassuring, but it’s very possible the Frankenfamily is a much stronger unit than the family of old. The traditional perception of family chains a person to relationships with people they may not care for in the least. But the Frankenfamily is created upon much more stable ground since the person chooses and admits people into their family.

The Frankenfamily does not completely disband or destroy the traditional family, it just allows the family tree to be pruned. Who wants rotting branches on their family tree, anyway? Not I, that’s for sure.

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American Girl (and Boy) Divorce

amerdivorceExplaining divorce to children is a complicated, heavy-hearted task, but it’s important to help them understand. Since divorce has become a pervasive part of our world, there are many resources to help broach the topic of divorce with children. Many children’s TV shows and books are helping parents explain what divorce is, and now those TV shows and books have a new ally in Julie Albright.

Julie Albright is a 9 year-old San Francisco native from 1974, who just happens to be a the latest American Girl doll. All the American Girl historical characters live during a time of historical significance, and for 70′s child Julie Albright that is divorce.

That 70′s Divorce Rate

Many ascribe the high divorce rate in the 1970′s to the Women’s Liberation Movement, which pushed for gender equality. As a result of this, women were able to enter the workforce and were no longer dependent upon men and the institution of marriage to survive. The way women viewed marriage altered, and as a result women felt free to leave unhappy marriages.

While the Women’s Liberation Movement was a great gain for civil rights and women’s rights, the high divorce rates created a large group of children of divorce. Divorce was a secretive aspect of life people rarely spoke of or were confronted with. As such, the resources and knowledge about the effects of divorce on children were minimal to zero.

The Julie Albrights of the World

Julie Albright, like all American Dolls historical characters, has a book series. In that book series, Julie shares her sadness and confusion about her parents divorce. Some parents may feel their children shouldn’t be exposed to these “adult” topics, but sharing Julie’s experience assists children of divorce realize they are not alone. Also, Julie’s stories show children that life will be okay, even after divorce.

For children whose parents are married, Julie’s story and her experiences provide insight and understanding in an area they may be completely unaware of. Besides, Julie’s best friend Ivy provides children of intact families with an example of how to deal with topics of divorce as an outsider. In the face of divorce, children whose parents are married may wonder if their parents will be next, and may feel insecure about their own families. The Ivy character calms these anxious feelings by showing not every marriage ends in divorce.

How to Handle Divorce With Children

Divorce may becoming more prevalent in our world, but that doesn’t mean divorce is any easier on children than before. Divorce highly impacts children in psychological ways forever, no matter how it is approached. But parents can lessen the impact and make the impact more positive by handling the divorce appropriately.

For starters, both parents must sit down and talk with the child about the divorce. This is crucial because the divorce talk sets the tone for the rest of the family’s interactions. Both parents must speak calmly and politely to each other, and focus on making the point (repeatedly) that the child is not the cause of the divorce. Allow the child to ask questions, and answer them honestly and openly; however, do not go into the gritty details the child doesn’t need to know about just yet (like the cheating spouse and such). Also, always be available to talk about the divorce or the child’s feelings; this is important to continue to develop the child’s trust, confidence, and self-expression.

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Victorian Divorce: We Are Amused

QueenVIn today’s world our news is so littered with celebrity break ups, romances, and affairs that we are no longer surprised by the crazy antics people get themselves into. As a prime example, take the Kardashian/Humphries divorce debacle that has been recirculated through every media outlet known to man for the past year.

Then, there is the Bethenny Frankel divorce, which was projected as a peaceful dissolution; yet, this week when the news hit that Mrs. Frankel’s husband has decided to fight back, no one was much too surprised. In fact, I think the Frankel divorce had run its media circuit so vigorously in the past month that this truly new development has been quite under-reported.

But back to the original point: American media has effectively stomped out any surprise we many have at a personal crises. However, that doesn’t mean we expected the same practice to be observed in the Victorian Era.

Strict is Spelled V-i-c-t-o-r-i-a-n

When people think of the Victorian Era things like modesty, stiff upper lips, rigid social customs, and the frumpiest British matriarch are some of the usual first thoughts. But with the publication of Victorian divorce records, this might very well change.

The Victorian Era is dated to Queen Victoria’s reign, which lasted from 1837 to 1901, and marks a time of affluence in England. The Queen focused her efforts to improving her homeland, especially the people’s sense of society and custom. In the Victorian Era there were firmly observed customs, like women were to cover her arms and legs at all times, art with nudity was considered taboo, and social interaction between men and women was at an all-time low. For a more complete feel of the era, consider Queen Victoria’s most famous quote: “We are not amused.”

Ye Olde Divorce

The British divorce records only go as far back as 1858 because divorce and marriage was a matter solely under the church’s control. Yet in 1858 the British Matrimonial Causes Act was passed, which made divorce a civil matter instead of under the church’s jurisdiction. However, divorce was brought all the way up to parliament to decide. In addition, divorce was a luxury for the rich, so only 1,200 divorce applications were made annually. Today, there are 120,000 divorce petitions filed each year.

Oh Really?

Well, sorry, Queen Victoria, but we are most certainly amused by the recent publication of British divorce records.

Apparently, one of those 1,200 divorce applications was filed by a Henry Robinson, who read his wife’s diary only to find her writing about illicit rendezvous with a younger married man. Henry Robinson’s wife, Isabella Robinson, testified in court that her diary entries were fiction, and the court bought it. Mrs. Robinson won the trial, and became the basis of the novel “Mrs. Robinson’s Disgrace,” by Kate Summerscale. Now we all know who the song “Mrs. Robinson,” was really based on.

In another Victorian divorce trial, Prime Minister Charles Mordaunt’s wife, Harriet, was accused of carrying on multiple affairs with multiple men. The affairs couldn’t be substantiated, but poor Harriet was later proclaimed insane and lived out her life in an asylum.

Shocked to hear tales like these that play out in books and movies are somewhat based on real life? Well, maybe just a little. We are, after all, of the generation when celebrities marry and divorce in the time it takes us to make dinner. But still, it’s good to know the Victorians knew how to make a headline or two.

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Working Together After Divorce

coownersRecently, a story about a divorce-embroiled New York vegan ice cream shop has been circulating the Internet. Besides the existence of a vegan ice cream shop, the story brings an interesting topic to the table: What to do when “married co-owners” just become “co-owners.” Its one thing to have the relationship between co-owners go sour, and its another thing entirely to have a romantic relationship go sour and poison a business along the way.

The Big Chill

The blizzard raging between Derek Hackett and Blythe Boyd is over Lula’s Apothecary, a very popular vegan ice cream shop located in New York’s East Village. Hackett and Boyd were married before the shop opened its doors in 2008, but divorce recently in 2012.

Earlier this month, Hackett filed papers with the Manhattan Supreme Court requesting a dissolution of the business. Hackett’s reason for this action is because Boyd is said to be pocketing all the profits herself, and mismanaging the business; Hackett wishes to have their business modified so any possible financial responsibility will not be reflected on him.

Needless to say, Boyd has been countering Hackett’s accusations claiming the business was her idea, and that she rightfully has been retaining the profit because she has been the only one working at the shop. It’s undeniable the root of this business melodrama is the after effects of divorce.

More Common Than You Think

Most of us may be sighing in relief, thinking “Thank goodness that isn’t me.” But co-owning ex’s are more common than you might think. The 2007 American census estimated about 3.7 million businesses were owned by spouses; but considering about half of marriages end in divorce, it’s not hard to estimate about 1.85 million businesses are owned by ex-spouses.

So if you find yourself in a situation where you’re sharing an office with a person you used to share a bed with, how on earth do you not drive the business into the ground (or into the headlines)? With some restraint, hard work, time, and these pieces of advice:

  • Listen to Aretha Franklin: You and your ex have decided to try to give your business your best efforts, so don’t skimp on the effort. Try maintaining a polite, yet respectful relationship with your ex/co-owner. But remember, to show a little respect you’ll have to actually respect the person and be shown a little respect in turn.
  • Expand Your Safety Net: You may be holding it together on the outside, but if your insides are exploding in rage or tears, it won’t be long until you have to open the floodgates. However, daily (or hourly) venting and ranting to your friends or family won’t get you through it as constructively as professional help will. If possible, go see a therapist to help you sort through the feelings effectively; maybe make it a co-owner thing to help the communication between the two of you.
  • Another Written Declaration: Your and your ex’s track record with written declarations and certificates haven’t panned out so well, but make this one the exception. Make sure you have a thorough, up-to-date partnership agreement, and make sure you both honor it!
  • Full Disclosure: Again, your relationship may not have been successful, but that doesn’t mean this new one has to follow suit. Besides, there are many others in this relationship (employees, coworkers, and the like), so commit to it with utter honesty and an open-door policy. (If you can’t read between the lines, this means don’t keep you divorce a secret from the employees.)
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The Number 1 Rule of Co-Parenting

shocked babyWe’re back, and we’re ready to get right into the number one rule of co-parenting after divorce or during the divorce process. Like we said in the last blog, this rule seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many times this rule is broken. Here it is: Never ever speak ill of the other spouse in front of the children.

Think of the Children

You may be thinking to yourself “Really? That’s the big rule?” But before you brush us off, hear us out. Bad-mouthing your ex in front of your children greatly harms them, and the effects can last a lifetime. You see, your child gets half of their genes, features, and mannerisms from your ex. So when you verbally mutilate your ex, in your child’s eyes, you’re mutilating them as well.

Not only can this create resentment (directed at you, no less) within your child, this creates anxiety and fear within your child as well. In a Huffington Post article, a researching author shared the fruits of her research about the effects of divorce on children. One of her subjects, “Mike,” is a 43 year-old, well put together man who has lived in fear of his mother viewing him as a “loser,” like his dad.

Another subject brings up a separate issue: the damage the resentment you hold has on you. “Heidi” is a 38 year-old stylist who dreads bringing people to her mother’s house because her mother can’t resist the temptation to tell visitors about her greedy ex-husband. Heidi’s parent’s divorced 30 years ago, and the only growth in her mother’s life is her healthy 30 year-old resentment.

But here’s the real kicker, bad-mouthing is not just a horrible habit, it’s a component of parental alienation, which is being recognized more and more.

Extra-Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is a term for the subconscious (or conscious) practice of undermining the relationship between the child and the other parent. Parental alienation can take place due to bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child, which changes the child’s perception of the other parent; by asking your child to spy on the other parent; by disrupting the other parent’s visitation; making your child feel guilty for spending time with the other parent, and so much more.

You may be doing these things without meaning to, so be careful to stay unbiased with your child when it comes to your ex. Without intending to, you may be causing harm to your child; for example, if you let the child choose between spending time with one or the other parent, this could translate to the child as a loyalty test. So how do you navigate co-parenting after divorce, without meandering into the dark side?

Stopping the He Said, She Said

Here are a few ways to put your foot down on parental alienation, without putting your foot in your mouth:

- Don’t fight fire with fire. If it turns out your ex is bad-mouthing you, resist the urge to address this with your child. In trying to set the record straight, you may end up caught in the bad-mouthing cycle yourself.

-  Take the high road. If your child comes to you with disturbing slander your ex dished out, don’t be too reactive. Just say something like you don’t know why they would say that, and they probably didn’t mean it. If the cause of the divorce comes up, just leave it at you two divorced because you couldn’t get along, and that has nothing to do with the child.

- Find a vent. Divorce creates emotionally draining and straining situations, just recognize and accept this. To prevent the urge to bad-mouth and vent your divorce frustrations with your child, find a friend, relative, professional, or group to do this with instead. For your sanity and your child’s, find another venting source.

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