Category : divorce talk

Home»Archive by Category "divorce talk" (Page 9)

Dealing With Blindsided Divorce

200227110-001Most people have been through unwanted breakups and more or less quickly recover, but what about unwanted divorce? What is the best way to cope with being so traumatically blindsided? Actually coping with it is a good start. The hard fact is, the divorce process will usually progress whether you want it to or not, if it’s what the other spouse desires. No amount of denial or pleading will change that, unfortunately.

While if there is indeed a legitimate chance to salvage the marriage, it may be worth a shot, it’s important not to postpone the inevitable. Doing so would only serve to make cutting ties more of a hassle, both emotionally and financially. The quicker and the more smoothly you can maneuver through the practical proceedings, the easier it will be in the long run to find relief from the emotional pain and find a happier future.

Step by Step, Day by Day

Family lawyer and author, Alison Heller, explains the importance of blindsided divorcees to both deal with their conflicting feelings and take proper action, instead of sticking their head in the sand, ostrich style. Referring to a client who didn’t want his divorce to happen, she warns about the results of delaying legal steps: “Greater litigation costs and the racheting up of acrimony between them, which would undoubtedly increase tensions for their two children, as well as leave less money for their savings and household budgets.” As for helpful emotional steps, she advises:

  • Salvage, if reasonably likely: The end of marriage is never something to be taken lightly, especially if it is indeed salvageable. If there is any reasonable doubt the marriage is not over but redeemable, it’s important to allow the possibility to unfold. To allow it, it’s also important to allot space for you and your partner to weigh which path is best, reconciliation or moving forward with the end.

  • Find out the why’s of your resistance: If the end is inevitable, it helps to find out exactly why you are holding on to something that has already slipped away. Sometimes you may think the love is salvageable when it’s not, so it’s important to face the fact and the heartbreak that comes with it.  Otherwise, reasons could range from religious beliefs to wanting to stay together for the kids. Understanding why you are fighting the divorce can help you take steps to address those concerns, find ways to alleviate them, and let go of your spouse.
  • Move Forward: Assess what your immediate actions should be regarding the legal and financial steps to safeguard your interests. Like the emotions involved, the external ramifications of divorce are very real and pressing, needing equal attention and care.

Finally, the blindsided can find peace in the way time can only heal, once they have moved forward. Dealing with the hard reality of filing for divorce is a test of both personal resilience and faith that things will get better.

Evolving Divorce Opinions

Times and commonly held views are changing, and new research on Americans and the Brits further points to exactly how. It turns out, perhaps unsurprisingly, divorce is becoming less taboo and more accepted, even while the dream of marriage is still alive and well.  Granted, this greater acceptance of the divorce process is more prevalent among younger people than older generations.

The growingly popular opinion is while divorce remains rampant and many have had to feel the pain of it themselves, or through other couples who are parents, relatives, or friends, it has also become more normalized. The news of divorce is no longer the shock it once was perhaps because it has become so common. The perspective is beneficial to people who might otherwise feel shame, adding to the emotional turmoil already accompanying the split. Essentially, divorcees no longer have to worry so much about what others think of their choice.

The British Take

A new study published in the UK Daily Mail shows how the amount of people labeling divorce as a stigma is shrinking. Specifically, out of a poll of 2,000 people, about two thirds say the stigma is no longer existent. There are significant differences in opinion according to age, with 56% of 18-24 year-olds saying divorce is still taboo, and 67% of 24-54 year-olds saying divorce is still taboo.

The article quotes British relationship counselor Christine Northam explaining how it’s changed from past generations: “Divorce has become much more familiar in modern life; it’s not the hushed secret it was years ago…There is no such thing as a painless divorce; we are just getting better adjusted to it as a part of modern Britain.”

At the same time, many if not most people are still hopeful and greatly value the institution marriage and all it implies. Only 4 percent said divorce was a word they most frequently associated with marriage, the most common words associated with marriage being commitment and love. They consider 28 years-old the best age to tie the knot.

What Americans Think

Americans view divorce as much less of a shame than other behaviors possibly perceived as immoral. According to a recent Gallup poll, an impressive 68% of the Americans surveyed believe divorce is morally acceptable.

Similar to the Brits, there is still a high value placed on the sanctity of marriage, with a whopping 91% saying marital infidelity is morally despicable. There is a strong sense of despising hypocrisy in how people choose to live out their romantic lives. It seems the prevailing opinion is you are either in a marriage all the way, or you might as well file for divorce.

A respect of individual choice then is becoming much more important than traditional views of sticking through a marriage through thick and thin. While divorce is now seen as more of a personal choice that should be accepted as normal, when you are married, happily- and faithfully-ever-after is the ideal.

Love at Any (St)Age

Let’s just acknowledge this right off that bat: Just because you’re divorced does not mean you’re dead. Although at times during the divorce process you might feel like a fine specimen of the living dead, you are not. Just repeat that to yourself in the mirror a few times a day and maybe you’ll actually start to believe it.

But this blog is about the post-divorce stage when trips to the grocery store becoming a grazing ground, in more than one way (if you catch our drift). For some, this stage approaches faster and with more ease than for other divorcees. But we have a sneaking suspicion one of the contributing factors to the time and ease at which a divorcee re-enters the dating scene is whether they come in a multi-pack.

The More the Merrier?

It’s difficult for a divorcee to re-enter the dating world, let alone for a divorcee who also holds the title of parent to re-enter the dating world. The statistics overwhelmingly shout that children of divorce are scarred for life, do poorly in school, might be suicidal, don’t seek healthy relationships, and for some reason are not math whizzes. So it’s no wonder a newly divorced parent’s head explodes at the thought of what dating would do to their children.

We are all for independent thinking, and let us emphasize no one knows what’s best for your family other than you and your family. But in case you were wondering, popular opinions on this topic range the entire spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, we have people who believe dating and children should be in totally separate spheres; at on the other end of the spectrum, we have people who believe they can be mixed healthily.

Finding Your Comfort Zone

In a HuffPost Live segment, host Marc Lamont Hill invites divorced parents/ HuffPost bloggers Ed Housewright, Emma Johnson, Jena Kingsley, Jessica Solloway, and Robin Amos Kahn to discuss the topic of single parents dating. The diverse group shares ideas about how to approach dating after divorce, and shed light on all the beautiful points of the spectrum.

Here are the arguments behind the two opposing sides of the issue, as brought up by the HuffPost bloggers:

  • Slow and Steady: The first concern dating parents under this philosophy have is their children’s emotional and mental state. Divorce presents a horrible upheaval for children and their families, which can cause confusion and emotional instability. Dating parents fear introducing romantic possibilities to their children will open the gateway to further feelings of abandonment and pain, should the relationship not work out. Parents operating under this belief promote only introducing a romantic partner after about 6 solid months of being in an exclusive relationship.

  • C’est La Vie: The opposing camp believes dating parents can approach dating with their children in a positive, balanced manner. As stated by one of the HuffPost bloggers, teaching your children about the ebbs and flows of life can prepare and strengthen a child to handle all of life’s curveballs. Age-appropriate communication about dating is the key to going this route, especially explaining the role (or lack of a role) dates have in the child’s life.

Wherever you may fall in the spectrum, don’t forget the players in the relationship. As Housewright said in the HuffPost discussion: “It just depends on your child. You need to know your child, and know their make-up. I don’t think you can make across the board rules. I wouldn’t give any advice to anybody else.”

Where do you fall on the spectrum and why? Sound off, Readers.

The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

Pros&ConsOnlineDatingIn the early 2000′s, when people used to think of online dating they probably imaged online daters typing sweet nothings back and forth with Siri-like significant others. But today, a mere 13 years later, we are comfortable (or at least more comfortable) with the idea of cyber-fishing for that special one in the sea.

But how do relationships with cyber beginnings rank compared to relationships with more conventional beginning? That is the question currently on the mind of lead researcher Eli J. Finkel, first author of the article, “Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science.”

Finkel and his research team were commissioned by eHarmony to delve into the state of modern relationships and marriages by researching a two part question: Is online dating different from the dating of yore, and is it better? This is what Finkel’s team found.

Is online dating different?

Yes, Finkel’s team discovered, online dating is different. The summary of the published study notes online dating is definitely different because romance and potential partners used to be vetted by ” village elders, family members, or friends,” and now those human reference points are “a mathematical matching algorithm.”

But they went a step further. Online dating is different in these 3 different aspects:

  • Access “refers to [the] users’ exposure to and opportunity to evaluate potential romantic partners they are otherwise unlikely to encounter.”

  • Communication “refers to users’ opportunity to use various forms of computer-mediated communication (CMC) to interact with specific potential partners through the dating site before meeting face-to-face.”

  • Matching refers to “a site’s use of a mathematical algorithm to select potential partners for users.”

Is online dating better?

The answer to this question is yes and no. We have highlighted some of the positives and negatives of online dating, as specified in the study, below.

Online dating is better than conventional dating because:

  • you can access potential partners all over the world via the internet.

  • you have an added filter for potential partners due to CMC.

  • certain sites filter out unsuitable partners with the interview processes.

Online dating is not better because:

  • it deprives the participants of the “experiential” (meaning discovered through experience) part of meeting a potential partner face-to-face, and discovering how their body language, voice, and treatment of others appeals to you.

  • it makes romance more of a job interview, so participants objectify and distance themselves from potential partners.

  • an algorithm cannot accurately match how well two people will interact, and cannot measure or predict how two people will “grow and mature over time” together.

What does this information do for us?

So where are we after receiving this information? Well, that depends on you and your opinion. Knowing the study was funded by eHarmony made us first believe the study would find online dating to be the best way to find a significant other, but that was happily not the case.

Well, Readers, what do you think about online dating? Sound off below.

6 Most Cowardly Breakup Lines You’ll Hear In A Relationship

cowardly breakup linesAs a do-it-yourself divorce service, we often hear many personal stories about how relationships came to an end, specifically regarding breakup lines that men and women have fed to one another. Most of the time they’re being disingenuous, guarding the true nature of the decision to ditch one’s boyfriend/girlfriend or file for divorce. From the plethora of options, we’ve culled together our six least favorite, most cowardly breakup lines that you’re likely to hear in a relationship. They are:

6. “It’s not you; it’s me.” 

A Seinfeld classic, uttered by the weaselly George Costanza, this one sounds equally awful when coming from the mouth of a real person. What they really mean: “It is you. You annoy me, but I’m too afraid to say that to your face.”

5. “You deserve the best, and I can’t give you that.” 

This one has been used so much over the years, it’s hard to tell who coined the phrase. What the person saying this really means: “You expect too much, but I don’t like confrontation, and I’m afraid if I tell you that, you’ll convince me to stay.”

4. “You’re too good for me.” 

This indicates exhaustion and/or boredom with the relationship. The breaker-upper is really trying to say, “This would be so much easier on me if you would break up first; that way I won’t feel so guilty.”

3. “I am going through some things right now.” 

If you hear this, don’t buy it for a minute. What he’s trying to say is, “I like someone else, and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of you.”

2. “I love you, but I just can’t be with you.” 

This is cowardly because it continues to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of the broken-hearted. You think, “Well, if they still love me, then maybe there’s hope, if only I can change a few things.” There’s no hope. It’s over; they just don’t want to tell you they’ve been (or would like to be) seeing someone else.

1. “I hope we can still be friends.” 

Baloney! They don’t want to be friends. They just want a clean break without the guilt that comes with knowing they hurt you.

Whether you’re here because you’re just now going through a DIY divorce, or you found us on Google, what are some of the worst, most cowardly breakup lines that you’ve ever heard?