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2nd & 3rd Marriages Destined to Fail?

The rate at which first marriages are lasting for more than 25 years is steadily flirting around the 50% mark. This means that the number of people on their second or third marriage is becoming larger by the minute. Statistics have shown that in the U.S., 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 73 percent of third marriages are ending in divorce.

There are many different theories as to why these numbers are so staggering. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter into a second or third marriage “on the rebound” of a first or second divorce. This means that they are so used to having a significant other that they rush into another relationship, either not fully knowing their new spouse, or not being 100% sure that they even want to be married to this person.

The divorcees in question are usually vulnerable; they do not wait a sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experiences. Time heals all wounds, as they say. However, many are just not willing to wait for whatever reason.

Reasons for the Fall
Now, obviously there isn’t just one clear cut, factor to account for such high rates of second and third failed marriages. There are some individuals in second and third marriages who consider divorce manageable and not necessarily a tragedy. They have handled it once, so they will handle it again. They may even recognize the warning signs earlier than they did first time around and are quicker to react.

One of the other popular theories for the increase of first marriages during recent decades is the gained equality between the genders. Women have become more financially independent and more self sufficient in the workplace, and men have become increasingly more domestically independent.

Gender roles and stereotypes are breaking down, and a stigma is no longer being placed on the stay at home father, or the businesswoman who works 50 hours a week. With the economy coming to a slow rise, these things aren’t frowned upon.

Therefore it shouldn’t be surprising that if and when these individuals move on to a second or third marriage, they are likely to feel inclined to protect themselves emotionally and financially.

Food For Thought
These reasons reflect the logical and statistical side of why the divorce rate among second and third marriages is so high, so here are the more human interest aspects of the divorce rate.

Usually, second and third marriages are later on in life, meaning children and family have been established in prior relationships. So in these later nuptials, its safe to say that there is less glue holding the marriage together. Children typically act as a stabilizing factor, and when children are absent the marriage is prone to be less sturdy and withstand the storms that marriage brings.

In the U.S, an overwhelmingly high percent of children are born in first marriages, and to spouses that are 35 and under. Most couples in a second marriage do not have common children to bind them together. Conversely, not having shared responsibility for kids means it’s easier to leave when you are going through a rough patch.

Relationships become increasingly tangled and complicated with subsequent marriages, and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an even keel when on your third marriage. The luster and grandeur of marriage is somewhat lost after the first time, and becomes hard to maintain.  On a day-to-day level, maintaining those relationships is not easy and frequently generates animosity. It is just harder to keep the love alive as the years go on and previous marriages have worn the soul. Making your first one count is the best advice that anyone can give those who are married or even contemplating a divorce.

Post-Divorce Holiday Tips

As a recent divorcee, you know you’re in trouble when the malls begin to adorn everything with red bows and garlands. When normally you’d be “Ho, ho, ho, and a cup’o cheer,” now you might find yourself feeling more “Bah Humbug!” Don’t worry, you’re not a horrible person, you’re just going through a particularly excruciating transition in your life. You’ll make it through this holiday season, but if you want to make it unscathed, here are a few tips about how to make the holidays something worth smiling about, even post-divorce.

Setting the Tone for Your Holidays

First things first: It’s highly likely you will turn into an emotional wreck a few times this holiday season; but that is okay. Accepting this and the (awful) feelings you will experience in waves is the first step to preparing for the holidays after a divorce. But here comes the hard part: You must not let yourself fall apart and become crippled by these emotions. The only thing to do, that is emotionally healthy, is to allow yourself to think through these feelings.

Think of it as a preemptive strike against depression and the ruination of your holidays. After all, you’re divorces, not dead, not imprisoned, or and not a social freak. Think of this holiday season as a time when you can do whatever you want. You can create a new holiday tradition, decorate however you want, and spend the holidays with whoever you want. See? It’s not so bad.

Say Hello to Friends You Know

So in the same vein as allowing yourself to emotionally heal, it is a wise choice to surround yourself with family, friends, and loved ones. The alternative is holing up and becoming the holiday miser of the family. No one wants to be known as the crazy uncle or aunt, so do yourself a favor and reject the urge to become a holiday recluse. If you were to shut out the world for a couple of months all you would achieve is steeping in your own misery and pain.

Aside from resisting the call of the hermit, forcing yourself to be around those who love with will help heal those divorce wounds. After a divorce people tend to feel unlovable and undesirable. There is nothing more damaging to the psyche than cultivating poor self esteem and self-loathing. So break out of the cycle and let yourself be loved!

Stick to the Plan

One of the most comforting things about the holidays is the routines and traditions we fall into. One of the worst affects of divorce is ruining those routines and traditions we fall into. So building off of the previous tip, we suggest making a list of the normal holiday routines and traditions you follow each year, and continuing those traditions.

Mind you, you can skip a routine or tradition or two if they are too painful to follow through with, if you never liked it anyway, or if you just don’t want to. Remember: Divorce is a new beginning for you, not the end of your life. The holidays are a time for celebration, warmth, and, well, cheer. Don’t let a divorce ruin the holiday season for you.

Kick the Post-Divorce Holiday Blues

The holidays are a time where you and your family celebrate by going overboard on decorations, food, plans, shopping, vegetating on the coach for hours, and driving literally all the way to grandma’s house. Well now that your divorced it’s time to get a new routine, but with the same holiday cheer and good will. Yes, it can be tough being a newly divorced spouse going through your first holiday, but it doesn’t have to be. This is a time when you can lean on your family and close friends for support. Keep things in perspective and you can even make some of these holidays the most memorable (in positive way) in a long time.

The Patient

Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your family. You will grieve your losses, or be angry about your current situation, but remember what you are really celebrating. You can use this time to find new meaning, a deeper connection, and richer joys that you might have missed if this divorce had not happened. Accept the tears. Take it one holiday at a time; enjoy the freedom and ability to be flexible in your potential plans. The true meaning of the holidays will never disappear, and this experience, as hard as it is, can bring a fresh understanding of that truth.

Simplify the Equation

For all the planning, cooking, cleaning, and other exhausting activities, people inevitably always complain and want the holidays to be simpler. A midlife divorce will make you look at your priorities. You usually have moved to a smaller place; you have less money; and you have less time if you have gone back to work. You have an opportunity to do what most people want to do. You have been forced to do something that may be a positive turning point in your family’s life. Take a look at your priorities and simplify.

Bend but Don’t Break Tradition

 

Keep the traditions you want. Try some new things. Find creative new ways to share the season and create positive memories by enhancing the real meaning of the holidays. Who says Thanksgiving has to be celebrated on the official Thanksgiving Day? If you don’t have the children on Christmas, have a tree-decorating party earlier in December. Make that a new tradition. An added benefit might be to make the week of Thanksgiving and Christmas less hectic, if that’s even possible in today’s world, divorce or not.

It’s Not Me it’s You

The holidays are really about sharing and being thankful. Spread the joy around. Expand your list of people to welcome into your celebrations. There are all kinds of people you could encourage during the holidays. Reach out to old friends, visit family members you rarely get to see. It’s ok to be that single guy or girl that travels around, a true modern holiday travel and family party crasher. The holidays aren’t just about you, anyway. They are about having a generous heart and a gracious spirit. Cultivate those characteristics and be grateful for every good thing you have.

Going through the divorce process is no easy task. Even after you’re done, you then have to get on with your life and rebuild. Whether it is a long, drawn-out legal process or a quick online divorce, the repercussions and immediate effects can be felt for a significant period of time. Your first holiday after getting divorced can seem like an emotional challenge, but it doesn’t have to be. You will find out it is easier to be happy in these moments than you may think.

Tough Love Lessons: Can We Still Be Friends?

Not every divorce is a heated battle that requires a posse of attorneys or multiple Kleenex trips to Costco. No, some marriages end peacefully with mutual understanding and a dignified parting of ways; these marriages usually are the ones in which the inevitable question is brought up in: Can we still be friends?
For all you divorcees out there who needed a posse of attorneys, or who needed to make those runs for commercial-sized packages of Kleenex know the correct answer to this question: NO!
Why can’t you be friends, even if your divorce was a quiet and painless as a lazy Sunday? Well, try this on for size: You are no longer a couple and you both desperately need to discover who you are without your ex.
No ‘I’ in Couple
You may not think that you have become a different person just because you were married, but just think about your daily routine with and without marriage and your ex. Yes, it’s official. Life is different when you are a part of a couple and when it is just you, on your own, without a built-in dinner buddy. You may not have wanted it to happen, but when you are in a serious relationship, you change a little, and your routine changes a lot.
But, now that you are out of that serious relationship you need to rediscover who you are by yourself, or maybe how you want to be. Just make sure that who you want to be is okay being alone for a while before jumping into a new serious relationship.
But, But…
If you find yourself being the one asking “Can we still be friends?” then we need to have a different talk. Whether you consciously think or feel this or not, your motives behind trying to keep your ex involved in your life may be caused by two things (which might be working in tandem): 1. You’re afraid of being alone; 2. You have unresolved feelings you’re not ready to let go of.
I’m just going to say it; both of those feelings are self reasons to keep an ex in your life. Divorce and major life changes are scary experiences, and it’s only natural you want someone close to you during those changes. But if you’re major life change is being single again, and the person you’re keeping close is your ex, then you’re not really being single again.
On the other hand, if you don’t feel ready to have your ex become a periphery character in your life, then you need to ask yourself why. The answer probably has something to do with unresolved feelings you have towards your ex. It may be easier to keep holding on to your ex instead of dealing with your feelings, but it’s not better for you.
Let’s get this lie cleared up: Divorce is never easy, even if yours was an uncontested divorce. And the period after a divorce is even harder since you must rebuild your life, daily routine, and dust off the single person you once were. So do yourself a favor and keep communication with your ex to a bare minimum; yes, even if you’re divorce was mutually agreed upon. Think of it this way: If you keep your ex in your life, not only are you not healing, but you aren’t letting your ex have the chance to heal either.

Divorced: Forever Changed

 

The definition of marriage has long since been the union of two people in holy matrimony, those two people being clearly defined under law as a man and a woman. However, with change being at the heart of the nation right now, and ever intertwined with the platform of the leader of the free world, it was only a matter of time before the law was changed in order to catch up to the times.

Civil unions and common law marriages have often been the extent to which same sex couples were allowed to be joined under the law, and only in certain states. This is changing, and more traction is being garnered for marriages and divorces alike between same sex couples to be recognized under the law.

Change
One of the key components to any legally binding agreement is the piece of paper telling all those who inquire that it is recognized as such. Divorce papers, marriage certificates, and even birth certificates are all things that tell the world that an event has been recognized under law.

With the mass amount of change coming under many of the clauses comprising family law, the Washington state Health Department will be changing marriage and divorce certificates in response to the same-sex marriage law that takes effect December 6th. This new change means that words such as “bride,” ”groom,” ”husband,” and “wife” will likely be erased from these documents, to not discriminate against any gender or otherwise. The department wants to use gender-neutral terms in order to be more progressive, to adapt to the ever-changing world, and to be correct under the law.

Replacements
All signs, as of now, point to the replacement words on all certificates being something in the area of  ”Spouse A” and “Spouse B”, with names being inserted next to these titles, to ensure no confusion on any further documentation. But the forms will still include gender so the state can track the number of same-sex couples in the state.

The face of divorce is changing one step at a time. With these new changes to the documentation, the law is seeing changes that are enlarging the umbrella everyone falls under. When these laws were conceived and first instituted, they were closed off and put each person in a box. The bottom line is, this is simply not how anyone is meant to be “categorized.” With the ambiguity of the new documentation, everyone can be free from being squeezed into a predetermined box and can be better identified under the law.

The Kids Are All Right

In a touching Huffington Post article, the author compiled a list of wonderful things children had to say to their parents after their divorce. Wait, children can handle divorce? This idea clashes with the notion that divorce ruins children emotionally for life. As it turns out, the doublespeak occurs unabashedly. While browsing the Huffington Post’s divorce section, you can also see titles like, “Study: Divorce Affects Kids’ Math and Social Skills,” “5 Reasons Divorce is Good for Kids,” “Children of Divorce More Likely to Contemplate Suicide,” and “Should You Stay Together for the Kids?”

With all this conflicting information dumped on parents, it’s a miracle anyone makes it to finalizing their divorce without a mental breakdown. But there is a way to divorce without ruining your children’s lives, and that’s with honesty and affection.

Honesty

Most divorce articles and studies note that children who have been negatively impacted by divorce feel they cannot trust others. This is probably due to the way the divorce was sprung upon the children. Divorce can take children by surprise, and it often does. In a child’s mind, there are two parents, and it would defy logic and reason for the parents to split; it’s like a divorce cannot even take place. That is, until the child’s parents sit down and tell the child point blank, “Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced. We are not going to live together anymore, but we still love you.”

This is an honest statement, but up until this point was the child able to see that sometimes even parents don’t agree? The lie in this scenario was the “all is as it should be” lie, which is a lie of omission parents frequently make. We’re not promoting full-fledged arguments in the child’s presence, but we also do not support lying to your children that life is always a walk in the park. Even after a split, it is best to allow your child to openly ask questions about the divorce and your feelings (just answer the questions honestly). This will develop the child’s sense of trust, even in the face of divorce.

Affection

The biggest way to reassure your child of the love and care you have for them is to shower them with affection. Make sure they feel loved and cared for by you, your family, your ex, and your ex’s family. Affection, coupled with honesty, is the best way to reassure your child that a divorce does not mean a divorce from them. Make a note that affection does not mean caving into your child’s every demand, spoiling them, or never reprimanding them.

By affection we mean the same parental love and guidance you showered upon your child before the divorce. So don’t create new rules or bend old rules when it comes to raising your child. You put those barriers up to protect them from a destructive and negative disposition and life; their world is changing, so don’t start changing the boundaries of their world too.

To  make the transition smoother for the child, then follow the two rules. What is best is never easy, so even though you may be internally conflicted or feel guilty about divorcing, never break the honesty and affection rule. If you follow the two rules, you may end up hearing things like this “I love seeing you happy again, mom,” or “I am proud of you, you are strong.”

Life, Marriages, Divorces, & Singles

Since divorce laws were made more acceptable in the 1970’s, there has always been a debate about the long term effects accessible divorce would have on marriage. The “marriage will become obsolete” argument has been stated, refuted, and stated again for decades now. However, there are examples and studies that show some areas of marriage declining, and divorce may not be the culprit. Many factors exist in society which can push people either one way or another as far as relationships and marriage; and divorce is just once facet of the evolving social climate.

Taking the Temperature Study

According to a recent study at Pew survey, many single Americans of all ages were asked whether they were in a committed relationship or whether they were looking for a partner. The largest portion of single persons, 55 %, stated that they were NOT in a committed relationship and that they were NOT looking to enter into a committed relationship leading towards marriage.

Another survey done by both Pew and Time magazine asked direct questions to a number of participants. The ‘single’ participants who were surveyed with the question, “Do you want to get married?” gave an interesting answer. Understandably, the question question was very basic, but the answers cannot be denied: Only 46% said ‘yes.’ This means about a quarter of the singles (a group that includes the divorced, widowed, cohabiting, or always-single) stated  they do not want to marry, and 29% responded they were not sure. For the divorced and widowed, the number of participants who stated they wanted to marry sunk to 22%, with 46% saying they do not want to marry, and 32% unsure.

In another nationwide survey, sampling 2,691 people living in America who are 18 and older, participants were asked whether each of the listed possible goals below would be easier to accomplish if someone was married or if single. The participants could answer: (1) easier if married, (2) easier if single, or (3) it wouldn’t make any difference.

Here is the list of goals they were asked to assess by marital status:

  1. Find happiness
  2. Have social status
  3. Have fulfilling sex life
  4. Be financially secure
  5. Get ahead in career

The highest ranking answer for to all these goals was (3) it wouldn’t make any difference, with the exception of the question about raising a family, in which 77% stated (1) easier if married.

Obviously, the sampling size  is infinitely smaller compared to the population, so the results cannot be taken to mean more than they actually do. However, it’s interesting to see the mindset some  people have today when it comes to committing to marriage or even a long-term committed relationship.

Yet in all of this, divorce cannot be considered the cause of the changing mindsets of our nation. Many facets of society can sway a person in their decision-making when it comes to committing to a relationship or marriage. Marriage has changed over time, and so has divorce. Going from a considerably long and dragged out process, to being able to divorce quickly and hassle-free with the gaining popularity of online divorce. There will always be a natural ebb and flow to the way we view certain aspects of our lives. The “sky is falling” attitude can sometimes just be the initial reaction before the dust settles over a longer period of time.

Going Through a Divorce? Find an Outlet

You have been stuck in a combustible situation for a while. Finally you and your spouse have confronted the issue and realized it cannot be rectified. Moving forward in the divorce process can be both a relief and very tough time in one’s life. If you have kids you will have worries for the future and many things to work on before your life settles back down into a routine. In the meantime you need to find some time just for you. Having an outlet for your frustrations, worries, or just having a place to vent can be important in keeping a cool head and shedding potential stress during these frustrating days ahead.

Find Your Voice

You don’t have to be a “writer” to vent your frustrations through words. Start a blog; center it around your current situation or even something totally different you find joy in. Food, travel, music, art, business, or anything you find interesting enough to lose yourself in a couple times each week. This isn’t a serious professional endeavor, so don’t worry about making it as professional as possible; this is solely for you, and in the end it can be a great escape from your daily troubles.

It doesn’t have to necessarily be a blog either; it can be a diary or journal. Maybe that is too old fashioned for you. In that case, just write. Getting your frustrations, worries, or deepest fears out of your mind and on paper or computer screen can be therapeutic. No one has to see it, you can even erase it after you have written it, although we don’t recommend that choice. This can be a great way to internaly confront your worries.

All In The Family

Divorce, in a sense, can be seen as the loss of your family. That may be a dramatic way to express it, but in some ways it is true. The nuclear family becomes divided; kids may bounce back and forth between you and your spouse house on a weekly or monthly basis depending on the outcome of the divorce proceedings. This is a time to lean on your own family members. Having your family around in a time like this can be a big help. In addition, your family can be an outlet for your frustrations. Cousins, brothers, sisters, and parents can be great sources of relief and friendship during this time of crises. Everyone needs someone to talk to. Your family will always be there through good times and bad; keep them close and you will never feel lonely.

Divorce can be trying on anyone’s lives, both parents and kids. Having the necessary outlets as well as social and mental cushions while going through the process can go a long way towards keeping a positive attitude and staying focused on your responsibilities. Never think you’re alone. Millions of people go through the divorce process, whether it’s an uncontested divorce or a dragged out in a court heavy process. Many often feel as if they have no one to talk to, this is never true. Reach out and connect with the positive people in your life and good things will happen.

Bizarre Divorce Story from Across the Globe

 

Throughout the years politicians have been caught doing some downright despicable things. Some closeted skeletons eventually find their way out and justice prevails. However, in a less democratic country in which the two words “Sharia law” are still bantered about comes the unnerving evidence of just how unfair some situations can be.

Divorce Woes in Indonesia

From Jarkarta, Indonesia comes a story of an imbalance of social power and divorce. Aceng Fikri is a local head of the district Garut in West Java, Indonesia. Fikri, already married with children, decided to take a second wife. While few Muslims practice polygamy, it is not against Indonesian law. However, civil servants are prohibited from taking second wives because of the strict regulation upon their private lives.

Questionable Ethics in Any Land

Fikri already caused a stir by taking a second bride, who also happened to be 16 years old, named is Fani Oktara. Although 16 is the legal age for marriage in Indonesia, as stated, Fikri was already married with children. After the marriage, Fikri claimed that Oktara was not a virgin as she claimed and wanted to dissolve the marriage. Fikri divorced Oktara through a text message, which he later claimed he was allowed to do due to Sharia Law. The subsequent fallout and public outrage culminated after Oktara and her family filed a police complaint stating Fikri falsified his marital status, along with defamation of character and unpleasant conduct. Many citizens have protested in Garut, calling for his resignation. Many hope to use this case as an eye-opener to change of the common cases of human trafficking, the illegal sex-trade, and the exploitation of women which have been a widely known problem in the province of West Java. Also, how many times are the ideas of Sharia Law and text messages connected in the same sentence?

It is a far cry from the problems couples commonly face in Western Civilizations, and seems to make the divorces of celebrities and millionaires very self serving, self-centered, and disenchanting. Divorce is no laughing matter, no matter which country and set of laws one may live under. Knowing the divorce procedures can better arm you, whether you are husband or wife, to make your divorce a smooth as possible. To learn more about the U.S. state divorce laws, or how you can qualify for an uncontested online divorce, visit www.mydivorcedocuments.com today.

The Boomerang Kids

Times are tough in the current economy, and how ever that affects the divorce rate is irrelevant right now. Right now we are going to talk about the new boomerang trend. A parent’s work is never done, as most of you parents of adult children know, and this is especially true when your adult child has no place to stay due to a divorce. Of course adults are resistant to the idea of moving back in with their parents, but if an empty wallet dictates that a necessity they will grit their teeth and ring your doorbell.
Naturally, you’ll want to let them stay and give them a sanctuary to heal from the divorce in, but as a parent how to do set boundaries? We dare you to find a parenting book that includes advice for this scenario.
Mommy Dearest

When your child is going through a divorce it can be hard not to play the role of the all-accommodating parent. But just like when your child was five years old and scraped their knee, after a divorce it is your job to calmly help clean the wound and encourage them to get back out there. The only differences you should make in your parenting plan are nixing the whole crust-cutting, and outfit selecting business.
Yes, the relationship between parent and child never seems to change much, and this is especially accentuated when they live together again. Ground rules are a must in this situation, but it’s been a while since you’ve had to make and enforce rules of the house. How do you go about it without seeming like you’re trying to “parent” your child again?
Second Set of Laws of the Land
Be upfront about your expectations. Usually, parents expect their children to stay temporarily, and although this seems obvious, have a little chat to make sure this is the case. Make this conversation two sided instead of you just setting a date for them to move out. Also, this should be a tentative time frame because we all know life can throw crazy things at a person.

Timing is key. Careful having this conversation too soon because it could make your child feel like their safety net is already being pulled from under them. For example, if your child is in the middle of sobbing about their divorce, or having a panic attack at the thought of the future, it is not the time to discuss their boarding time frame.
Let you children know your door is always open to them, but that your house is still your house with your rules. We don’t mean reinstate the rules they used to abide by, like curfew, television limitations, and their diet. We mean general house rules, like cleaning up after yourself, sharing food expenses, and household duties. These tasks and rules are appropriate and aren’t asking too much. After all, they are your child, not a guest.
Divorce is never an easy time in a person’s life, but it also affects the people surrounding the divorcee. As a parent of a divorcing or divorced child, your job is to support your child, but not to overly pamper and coddle them. Life is full of hard knocks, and you raised them to pick themselves up; don’t ruin all your hard work now.