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Tips for Moving on After Divorce

Moving past a relationship can be tough. This cliché has been reproduced in our society for hundreds of years. Love had and lost is a true theme of the human nature. We are all destined to encounter these types of situations at some point in our life.

All people react differently, but no one is immune to the negative emotions that surround this feeling of failed interaction between man and woman. Because it is inescapable to avoid these pains at one point or another, and divorces have become a prominent situation in our society, it has been stressed more and more as to how we can successfully move past these situations. What can you do to help yourself emotionally persevere?

Find a listener, and Forget About Revenge

Communication most likely was a part of the problem in your marriage; don’t let it follow you as you free yourself from a divorce. Two way constructive communications is important, not only for you to express how you feel but to get an outside and honest opinion about some of the things you may question. A long marriage can cloud your judgment and opinions in dealing with your now ex-spouse. A friend who can be objective and is willing to listen to you can be helpful because it is someone you can trust. However, no one should feel guilty about seeing a professional if they really need someone to talk to. We all have questions and problems within our life, and (truth be told) could all use someone with a professionally trusted opinion to help guide us at certain points in time.

Don’t get sucked back into revenge thoughts. We have all had those feelings. Wounded and left with no way to feel better except to inflict damage on the parties that wounded us. These are natural feelings; although they serve no purpose but to perpetuate the negativity and unhealthy behavioral pattern that might have led us into a harmful marriage in the first place. Most likely, no matter the situation, you can shoulder part of the blame for the way things turned out. Coming to terms with your role and accepting a portion of the blame will help you keep a level head and begin to understand that the best form of medicine is to start moving on.

Put more energy into your social life and broaden your horizons

Marital problems and significant schisms in your relationship can set your social life back from where you want it to be. A divorce can also do damage to your attitude at work and affect your productivity. In your post divorce life, focusing on your work or social life can be a helpful distraction and could possibly lead to positive things as you navigate new waters after many years of traversing rough seas. Nautical cliché references aside, many of us need distractions in trying times. Broadening our horizons and trying new things socially can help you both move on from the past and begin to create a positive future.

Moving forward through any negative phase in life can be emotionally stressful. Oftentimes we have to hit a certain “bottom” before we realize how low we have sunk. Avoiding these worst case scenarios and prolonging our misery will only keep setting us back on our road to recovery. Seeking out good listeners, someone to talk to, and trying new things will create positive distractions for as you attempt to dissociate from problematic time in your life. Moving on is never easy, but it’s up to you on how you react to these types of situations

Prominent Novels for Coping with Divorce

 

In our world we look for examples, build on experience, and need templates to sometimes show us the way. Self-help books fly off the shelf like Apple products, waiting to be sucked up as if they have some sort of ancient Atlantian knowledge we would never be able to figure out on our own. Experience cannot be substituted or duplicated. Step by step instructions do not allow us to learn or assist in coping with situations we may be experiencing. When it comes to human behavior and life’s trial, acute insight can help us feel we are not alone in our particular current struggle, allowing us to cope honestly and truly and learn from our past. In no situation can this be truer than divorce.

For every spouse or family, the nature of their separation is different.  Therefore people take on or experience different forms of mostly the same emotions. Grief, guilt, loss, anger, these are just some of the common resonating feelings that most people feel form a broken marriage. Luckily there are a select few who can masterfully put these feelings and their experiences into words, so that those of us who may be experiencing the same indefinable emotional tendencies, can learn more about ourselves and how to succeed in future situations.

Eat, Pray, Love

Now known for its motion picture adaption, starring Julia Roberts, “Eat, Pray, Love” tells the story of a Elizabeth Gilbert and how she made a difficult, yet momentous decision to turn away from the typical American successes, or trappings in her case, house, marriage, security, and venture out into the world to find herself. Traveling across the world and immersing herself in different cultures, this heartfelt memoir has connected with millions of readers, helping them follow their hearts and stay true to what their true purpose might be.

Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce

A story about a woman’s struggle to cope after her husband, after ten years, announced he wanted a divorce. Being left in a new house, alone,  starting a new job, and with a new baby, author Stacey Morrison tells and emotionally charged story about how she fretted, scrambled, and willed herself to open up and learn about this life-changing experience.

Split

An unflinching look at how discord and divorce can creep up within a relationship and leave someone in shambles, author Susan Finnamore was taken by surprise when her husband, suddenly announced, he needed happiness without her. Simultaneously funny, sad, and deeply poignant, Finnamore tells the story of a woman who experienced the worst, but came out the other side changed.

There are many novels and memoirs that connect us with those who are or have experienced the worst in their respective journey. From hitting bottom and coming out the other side a new person, the struggle in coping with this life changing event has and will continue to be documented. Divorce situations, no matter how different, they vary from family to family, create relatable experiences through each person’s unique perspective. Anyone going through a tough divorce should always know that there are memoirs like these out there to help remind them that there are millions of people who have fallen and picked themselves back up to come through a better person, and ready to reach back out to the outside world.

Strange Divorce Ruling

There have been a number of landmark cases that have set precedents for divorce and divorce laws. However, the majority of those were positive and propelled divorce into the 21st century. This being said, across the world, divorce is still seemingly catching up, and in a few rare cases, falling behind, thanks to the laws that were decreed so long ago before the new age of technology.

One instance of a set back in divorce laws is that of Mr. and Mrs. Prest, a case coming out

When to Introduce the Children

 

Divorces aren’t fun for anyone involved. The dissolution of a marriage and the breakdown of a family is devastating. However, being happy and true to oneself is of the utmost importance in these situations, and to life in general. Rebuilding your life after a divorce is part of the healing process, and for many this includes romantic interests.

When divorcees do meet that special someone, often times, telling their new significant other about their past divorce is one of the hardest things they ever have to do. Right on par with this hard task is telling them about your children; and harder still, introducing your special someone to said children.

When & How
It’s important to take things slowly when children are involved, especially if the children are of a very young age. When and how to introduce the kids to your dating partner and their kids depends on several very calculated variables:

1) Time is Precious

Waiting a significant amount of time is always best when thinking about introducing a significant other to the children. The simple fact of the matter is depending on how long after the divorce this new relationship is formed, the children are more than likely still going through the healing process. It often takes children longer than parents to fully adapt and comprehend to new situations. Making sure that your significant other is in for the long haul, and can handle children in all settings is something you want to know before introducing these components of your life. Having a slew of “special” people meet your children and have nothing pan out can damage both you and your children in terms of mental stability.

2) Relationship Status

Introducing a significant other to anyone important in your life, let alone your children, is important. However, determining what the new relationship is before all of this introducing is even more important. Establishing ground rules, and setting goals is a good thing to do in the infancy of a relationship. Knowing that both parties are on the same page helps, because if one person is not looking for anything serious, introducing children should be out of the question entirely.

3) Establishing Terms

If introducing the new person in your life to your children is indeed what you want to do, it’s important that the two of you weighed all of the options, discuss, and agree on how it will occur, together. Knowing that both parties are completely in sync with how the process will work is beneficial to all involved. Perhaps only one day a week with the whole new blended family is best, perhaps more. As long as everyone involved, including the children, know what is going on then the process should go smoothly.

In conclusion, it’s best to hold off involving your kids in a new relationship without exploring all options and variables beforehand, as it may cause them further trauma, and possibly sabotage your new relationship too. Wait until you are certain and secure as a couple, and until you both have realistic expectations. If it’s really something that is important to you both, then waiting will not be a problem. The best and smoothest transition is what the overall goal should be, so do all you can to achieve it.

The Divorce Year in Review

Sadly, the nation’s eyes and ears have become fixated on celebrities and their ludicrous actions. From week-long marriages to rehab stints, there is no shortage of brain-shrinking fodder that gets more attention on TV. In what would be the honor, or more acutely the exact opposite, let’s take a look at 2 incidences of behavior that would absolutely be an undeniable sign of divorce, and, more than likely be convincing evidence of the need for a complete psychological evaluation.

What Happened to You, Ochocinco?

It’s all fun and games until you cease to catch touchdown passes, start allegedly head butting your spouse, and tattoo your ex’s face on your leg. Chad Johnson has been in the news for more serious matters allegedly assaulting his then wife, Evelyn Lozada, who to be fair is no stranger to reality show type behavior since she earned her “fame” as a direct result of being on a reality television show. But Chad’s questionable decision of responding to his situation, serious charges, and divorce by getting a large tattoo of Evelyn’s face on his leg is nothing if not cringe worthy.

Everything About Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries “Marriage”

If ever there was a social reason why we should continue the search for intelligent life on other plants so part of the global population could either join them or possibly ship families like the Kardashian’s to that planet, this scenario would be Exhibit A. Still getting dragged through the media muddied waters, reporting on their divorce proceedings seem to have become some kind of Newtonian Law that mainstream media must follow, or else the earth’s gravity may reverse. That can be the only explanation as to why any human with normal cognitive reasoning levels would continue to care or think there is a any reason that anything about this situation is worth spreading.

These scenarios are truly frustrating because marriage and divorce is a serious matter. There are numerous psychological and social studies that explore divorce issues, like how to properly cope with the emotional trauma that is associated with the breaking up of the nuclear family. But celebrity divorces seem to ignore the fact that divorce is no joke and should not be taken lightly. Many families will go through the divorce process unprepared emotionally, legally, or financially, and never view divorce as flippantly the way the media seems to view divorce. While it is understandable that not all relationships will work out, the sacredness of marriage and the dissolution of marriage should not be viewed so carelessly.

A Brief History of Divorce

Divorce, as we have discussed in our blogs and throughout this site, is prevalent in today’s society. Many researchers point to every little move as either the end of marriage as we know it, or a sign that people are losing their morals. The fact is, divorce, regardless of its time, place, or numbers, has had a place in society for hundreds of years. Different cultures throughout history have had their own way of dissolving marital unions. Some dissolution customs were pretty harsh, but it was the way of the times when religion reigned supreme. Not to bring religion in to the picture, but marriage and its numerous customs are related to religious beliefs.

Medieval Europe

In the post Roman Empire world, familial life was governed and influenced more by religious beliefs and customs than it was by civil courts. As time passed in the 9th and 10th century, the number of divorces had been greatly reduced by the authority of the church so that it became almost unthinkable to approach the subject. The view of divorce, as the process is known today, was for all intents and purposes prohibited after the tenth century. However, a separation of husband and wife, and the annulment of marriage did exist. What is today referred to as “separate maintenance,” otherwise known as legal separation, was termed “divorce a mensa et thoro” (which translates to “divorce from bed-and-board”). The husband and wife were physically separated and were then forbidden to live or cohabit together; but their marital relationship did not fully terminate.

Lack of Civil Influence

In medieval Europe the civil courts had no power over marriage or divorce. Any grounds for annulment were determined by church authority and were accordingly applied in the ecclesiastical courts. Annulment was given for very limited reasons, and was the only consistent causes for a complete dissolution of marriage. The church held the unwavering belief that the sacrament of marriage made two people inseparable from each other. Applying this theory literally was the propensity of religious cultures at these times, especially the Christian church. As far as governing rules, when husband and wife became one person upon marriage, this act could only be completely dissolved or annulled if they initially entered into the sacrament improperly.

Those medieval notions of divorce are a far cry from today’s western view for sure. But it shows just how far back the desire and situations of dissolving marriages extends; and the truth is divorce and the dissolution of marriage goes back even further. So when we see “new” information or anyone take up in arms about the impending doom of marriage as we know it, know that it is just history semi-repeating itself. As cultures change, the beliefs in society either change as well. Our views on long-standing occurrences that have been in our culture will fluctuate with the times. Divorce has, and will be, around as long as people get married. Failures, as well as successes, in relationships will persist because it is an extension of a our faulty nature.

 

Pre-Divorce Filing Tips

Divorce is a messy business, but a business nonetheless. Entering into any business, one needs to know just how to survive and to stay afloat; otherwise, being in over your head is going to catch up, and fast.

One of the first things that needs to be done when entering into a divorce, that may be the hardest, is to try to separate the emotional aspects from the business aspects and be sure to get the help you need so you can get the best financial result possible. If a divorce is anything but amicable, the chances of an ex-spouse going for the jugular as far as finances is concerned is quite high. So here is a short list of things that you should do and think about before rushing to file for that divorce.

Finances, Finances, Finances

Understanding your current financial situation, in depth, is a key factor before entering into any divorce proceedings. Asking yourself questions like “What do I own and what do I owe?” are important. Be sure you know whose name certain assets are in, as well as whose name is on the debts. Credit can be ruined overnight if a spouse’s name is on a debt that is owned by the other spouse.

The Big Divide
Look into, properly allocate, and then separate your credit. Try to establish new credit in your name alone while removing your name from joint credit where possible. This will require closing joint credit cards and bank accounts. Start storing your own cash and assets in a new bank account. Setting up after the divorce is final will not be cheap or easy, so save for the immediate future now.

Think Ahead
Go over all wills and deeds; if your beneficiary choices are affected by the divorce, change them. also, consider your insurance needs: first, you’ll want to make certain that you’ll have uninterrupted health insurance. You may also want to consider requiring life insurance to guarantee continued alimony and child support, should your ex-spouse die prematurely. Decide now how college will be funded for any children involved within the dissolution. You can never plan too much. If you’re not the planning type, now marks a great point in your life to start.

The process of divorce is often a highly charged, emotional time. Don’t let the hectic, roller coaster of divorce lead you to make financial mistakes that can affect you for years to come. Plan ahead at all costs. Be rational and calm, especially in a dissolution that is less than amicable. Chances are, your ex-spouse is not thinking of your needs entirely, so look out for number one, and that’s you( and any children you may have).

What To Do In Cases of Domestic Violence

Regardless of your views on family structure and divorce, when it comes to domestic violence, getting out should be the only decision. Sadly, many people become victims of domestic violence each year, and countless instances are hushed up out of fear.  It is often times harder for someone to make the decision to leave than to actually leave and begin the divorce process. But once your mind has been made up, there should be no looking back.

Domestic violence is about fear, control, and the abuse of false power. If and when you decide to leave an abusive spouse, this could make the abuser lose even more control.. In other words, exercise caution when preparing an exit strategy.

Preparing to Leave

When you make the decision to leave an abusive relationship, you must be prepared for the subsequent fall out and repercussions. You are making the right choice for yourself, potential children involved, and your future. Here are some tips to take inconsideration before planning your escape; some tips are obvious, and some may not be:

  1. If you feel your safety is at risk, get a civil or criminal restraining order and have it in place before you leave.
  2. Have somewhere to go. Research local domestic violent safe havens and shelters.  Ask a friend if you can stay with her/him, or, if you can afford it, rent an apartment but keep your address from your spouse.

It is also important to remember to take important documents with you. Birth certificates, driver’s license, social security card, health insurance cards, credit cards, and all cards that are in your name. Also, if you can, take any property deeds or bank statements. It is also important to take any restraining or court orders you already have against your spouse with you. This may seem drastic, but only you know how your relationship has been and what you situation is.

Domestic Violence Statistics

The most unnerving thing about incidents of domestic violence are the thousands of cases that go unreported. Women, men, and children are all at risk of the residual effects that can go with an abusive relationship. Thousands of serious cases are reported each year, but even more go unreported. Here are some eye-opening stats about domestic violence in the U.S.:

  1. Every day in the U.S., more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends
  2. The costs of intimate partner violence in the U.S. alone exceed $5.8 billion per year. $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
  3. Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
  4. Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

Divorce in general is never optimal, but it is a necessity when it comes to abusive relationships. The severity and exposure to abuse can occur on such a wide range, form outright psychical abuse to passive aggressive, emotional abuse. No one deserves to or should live in an abusive  situation. Understandably, these situations are extremely complex, but knowing how to be prepared and what to do will help you when the time comes to make the decision to leave.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don’t stay quiet, help them attain the freedom they deserve. But help can come in many different ways. For advice on how best to help, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

2nd & 3rd Marriages Destined to Fail?

The rate at which first marriages are lasting for more than 25 years is steadily flirting around the 50% mark. This means that the number of people on their second or third marriage is becoming larger by the minute. Statistics have shown that in the U.S., 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 73 percent of third marriages are ending in divorce.

There are many different theories as to why these numbers are so staggering. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter into a second or third marriage “on the rebound” of a first or second divorce. This means that they are so used to having a significant other that they rush into another relationship, either not fully knowing their new spouse, or not being 100% sure that they even want to be married to this person.

The divorcees in question are usually vulnerable; they do not wait a sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experiences. Time heals all wounds, as they say. However, many are just not willing to wait for whatever reason.

Reasons for the Fall
Now, obviously there isn’t just one clear cut, factor to account for such high rates of second and third failed marriages. There are some individuals in second and third marriages who consider divorce manageable and not necessarily a tragedy. They have handled it once, so they will handle it again. They may even recognize the warning signs earlier than they did first time around and are quicker to react.

One of the other popular theories for the increase of first marriages during recent decades is the gained equality between the genders. Women have become more financially independent and more self sufficient in the workplace, and men have become increasingly more domestically independent.

Gender roles and stereotypes are breaking down, and a stigma is no longer being placed on the stay at home father, or the businesswoman who works 50 hours a week. With the economy coming to a slow rise, these things aren’t frowned upon.

Therefore it shouldn’t be surprising that if and when these individuals move on to a second or third marriage, they are likely to feel inclined to protect themselves emotionally and financially.

Food For Thought
These reasons reflect the logical and statistical side of why the divorce rate among second and third marriages is so high, so here are the more human interest aspects of the divorce rate.

Usually, second and third marriages are later on in life, meaning children and family have been established in prior relationships. So in these later nuptials, its safe to say that there is less glue holding the marriage together. Children typically act as a stabilizing factor, and when children are absent the marriage is prone to be less sturdy and withstand the storms that marriage brings.

In the U.S, an overwhelmingly high percent of children are born in first marriages, and to spouses that are 35 and under. Most couples in a second marriage do not have common children to bind them together. Conversely, not having shared responsibility for kids means it’s easier to leave when you are going through a rough patch.

Relationships become increasingly tangled and complicated with subsequent marriages, and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an even keel when on your third marriage. The luster and grandeur of marriage is somewhat lost after the first time, and becomes hard to maintain.  On a day-to-day level, maintaining those relationships is not easy and frequently generates animosity. It is just harder to keep the love alive as the years go on and previous marriages have worn the soul. Making your first one count is the best advice that anyone can give those who are married or even contemplating a divorce.

A Brief History of Divorce: Ancient Rome

 

Continuing our survey of the history of divorce in different cultures, we will now take a look into one of greatest ancient civilizations, ancient Rome. Divorce, like marriage in ancient times, slowly became diversified over time. Contrary to popular modern belief, divorce was a common occurrence in ancient Rome. Beginning with ancient pagan laws, men always had the power to end the marriage. Although this was usually reserved for more serious marital faults, such as adultery, other rules, such as making copies of the household keys, consuming wine, and infertility, could be used by the husband for divorce. For many centuries only husbands had this privilege, but wives were finally included to this process and given permission to divorce their husbands as Rome entered into the classical age.

Politics as Usual

Marriages in ancient Rome were often commonly used as a political tool by the upper classes; similarly, divorces were common when new political opportunities presented themselves. Anytime a new a situation arose, a man or woman would divorce their current spouse and marry a new one. A man or woman could form valuable family ties through their various marriages and divorces to different families.A motivated man or woman could,and would, marry and divorce a couple times in their lifetime if they thought they could continue to climb the political and social ladder.

Just Not Willing

An interesting yet obvious reason for divorce, besides serious marital fault, was the desire to no longer remain married to a spouse. In ancient Rome one of the intricate characteristics that defined marriage was the will to be married and an attitude of mind in regarding one another as husband or wife.  The marriage was considered to have ended when the will or attitude ended.A husband or wife could notify their spouse of their intent that they no longer desired to be married and the marriage would have considered to be ended.

Subsequently, divorce in ancient Rome was commonly a private affair and only the parties involved were aware of the situation. At no point did a divorce have to be recognized or ratified by either the church (in latter Rome) or state. Also, no public records were kept; the lack of any divorce records sometimes led to some confusion with the numerous marriages and divorces going on simultaneously.

Ancient Roman society and culture is so interesting in part because of how long the empire lasted and in part because of the paradigm shift in beliefs from the beginning of the empire until its fall near the 4th century. Beginning as a deeply rooted pagan culture, mostly borrowed from the earlier Greeks, Roman society, law, and most religion went through a transformation with the introduction and adoption of Christianity. The custom of marriage was always held sacred, but to our surprise, divorce was common and the laws surrounding it come off as lax when compared even to later culture in Europe. The lesson, as always, is where there is marriage, there is divorce.