Category : Separation

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Marriage at War: The Struggles of Being a Spouse to a Soldier in Combat

Military marriages are definitely unique in their challenges and triumphs. In spite of experiencing some of the highest stress levels of any couple type, men and women of the Armed Forces have one of the lowest rates of divorce. This is truly remarkable when you consider the experience of people, whose spouses are active-duty and placed in combat zones.

Recently Quora took a look at this very phenomenon with the question, “What does it feel like to have a spouse who is a soldier in an active war zone?” 

Here’s an excerpt from the wife of a Marine, Deborah Gahm

“At home, we continue on with our lives.  I went to work, our daughter went to school.  I told her teachers that her dad was deployed in case it became an issue at school.  I counted on my friends and family when I needed help.  I also set aside 930-10 pm as my time to cry if I needed to, if the day had just been too much.  Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t but I always knew that it was my time to be sad/mad/and whatever else I needed to feel.  

“I am a firm believer in that you shouldn’t spend your life worrying  about things that you can’t control.  I approach deployments like that.   There is nothing I can do here that will change what is or isn’t  happening to him there.  Of course, there was plenty that he didn’t  elaborate on.  Things that happened that I am only recently finding  out.  It’s ok though, if I had known all the times that they had been  engaged or ambushed, I would have worried a lot more.  

“When you are going through it, you think you’re doing great.  You don’t cry or get upset very often.  You take care of everything.  You hold your tongue when people say stupid things.  You are grateful for the prayers of friends.  You say your own prayers.  You just deal with what happens one day at a time. 

“But… you don’t realize how much latent stress you carry with you.  You get used to it and it’s not until he steps off that plane and it all drains away that you know how much stress was hidden away.  

“I love my husband very much and even though we’ve been through a lot.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  Well, maybe that year when he first got out of the Marine Corps and grew his hair long – it just wasn’t a good look for him.

“We still laugh, and love, and really what else matters?” 

Highly recommend checking out Mrs. Gahm’s full post to get a glimpse of the day-to-day. 

Have any of you, or are any of you, married to soldiers in active combat zones? What is your experience like? Share in the comments section. 

8 People Weigh In On What Caused Their Last Breakup: Sound Familiar?

As an online divorce review site, we enjoy keeping up with the trends and the info surrounding divorce and relationships in general. One of the best places to go for such information are the relationship communities over at Reddit. A recent post found one user asking, “What caused your last breakup?” Here were some of our favorite responses.

1. “I started talking to a guy that I used to have a crush on. He was everything my ex wasn’t … He was adventurous, and funny, and the biggest thing was the fact that he was actually intelligent (Last guy was dumb as a brick). My feelings for him came back within a day. I broke up with my ex because I realized we had no long term potential, and I didn’t want to risk cheating. I wasn’t in love with him though, we had only been dating a few months.”

2. “Kept doubting I loved her until I believed it. Thought being single would be cool. She was perfect for me, so nearly a year later [I'm] single and still thinkin about it. Appreciate what you have!”

3. “He talked to two of his exes inappropriately at the beginning of our relationship and told me about neither. I snooped once and saw the one RIGHT after it happened and he promised it was the only instance. Found out he’d done it with another ex the month before that and was never going to tell me. It sucked and I left.”

4. “He lost his job in the financial crisis of ’07-’08. His dignity & self-respect followed. I supported both of us for a year and a half while he played video games all day before I called it quits.”

5. “I wasn’t ready to be in one. I thought being alone is the scariest thing ever. It’s isn’t. And I know I have a lot of love to give, but I didn’t put it to good use … I projected my own frustrations on my ex without realizing it was me who was neglecting my own needs. I don’t want ever to put the responsibility of being happy in someone else’s hands anymore.”

6. “She couldn’t deal with me being a woman, but I couldn’t be a man anymore. We had different life goals as well, but that was the main thing.”

7. “We were never really good friends, and we fell apart. There wasn’t much holding us together, so when things got hard, we separated ourselves from each other, and before we realized it, our relationship was just dead.”

8. “I didn’t feel important enough. It caused a huge amount of problems in our relationship. It felt like me and him, not ‘us.’ He would do his own thing and I would do mine. It was too hard on the soul.”

What caused your breakup (or what brought you to our online divorce reviews site)? Sound off in the comments section.

The Male Perspective of Divorce

Divorce can be ugly and it doesn’t take Freud to unveil the facts. A married couple who at one point had the assumption that as life partners they would grow old together decide to go separate ways, there is resentment, hatred and a fury of mixed emotions which makes “irreconcilable differences” seem far too gentle of phrase. While there have been plenty of articles, blogs, websites, and LifeTime Network movies made for divorced women focused on handling depression and other negative effects of divorce; Hardly any attention gets shined on men’s reactions to divorce. MyDivorceDocuments.com examines the issue.

As of 2008 there was an estimate that close to 40% of marriages ended in divorce. The stats for second marriages are even less impressive. And while we are led to believe that most men are at fault for divorce for not showing enough affection at best and abuse at worst-no one disputes that divorce is hard on everyone. Most men can ponder what will happen in terms of child support and custody laws but once the ruling is made, most men can begrudgingly accepts it.

In general, men are defined by more than just their status in a marriage. A lifelong bachelor with a successful career never gets castigated of question yet an older woman in similar circumstances gets branded a spinster. A man who doesn’t want children isn’t looked at it in the same light as woman. A man can get judged by his job, his car, his hobbies and ironically men are effected more by employment status then marital status. If a man can pay the child support and have more time to golf-he probably isn’t going to think the divorce process a bad decision.

In stark contrast; men do not suffer the depression women do and tend to be far more impacted by employment status. Yet post divorce studies show an amazing statistic in that a woman’s standard of living drops by 73% while the man’s standard of living increases by 42%. It’s going to get a whole lot better soon. Probably a good thing that most men do not know this stat as I am sure many men on the marital fence would probably have visited MyDivorceDocuments.com yesterday. But once again; the pull of providing for spouse and children is a powerful and compelling reason to stay and given that men typically won’t research divorce law or child support laws there tends to be a blind eye cast to the subtle nuance of divorce law.

Lets examine it-a man gets divorced. Now what? He still has his job, friends, business associates and a social support system that he probably lamented not being able to spend more time with. Since Time and Memorium men have been raised to be the Hunters, Breadwinners, builders, police and fireman rolled into one; knowing the ins and outs of Divorce Law take a backseat to the needs of the family.

Studies show that men suffer disproportionate health effects on a far higher scale for employment factors then marital factors while the stats for woman are quite the opposite. The facts are no one looks eagerly towards divorce and very few men endure the divorce process unscathed. It is however time to admit that emotional factors and baggage due to divorce isn’t always solely reserved for women.

Negative Energy; Divorce’s Ugly ByProduct

Of all the emotions that can be rendered from the divorce process, Anger is truly the single most dangerous emotion that rears its ugly head when divorce is involved. Making matters all the more troubling is that when the process is over and considered a closing chapter in your life it is not uncommon that these two emotions though will last a great deal above and beyond what should have been the initial benchmark for closure.

Anger and resentment are natural responses to being emotionally damaged and are all too uncommon feelings that are experience and held onto during the divorce process. It is perfectly normal to feel some or all of these things when you have been hurt. These feelings may seem impossible to let go of, especially if issues of child custody and child support are concerned, but for a platitude of explanations but hanging on to them and letting those feeling linger and fester will only have an end result of long lasting negative effects on your mental and physical well-being and without question compromising your ability to start working towards rebuilding your life. The attitude of rebirth and a second chance to start with a better, more fulfilling life should never take a back seat to residual negativity.

Anger, resentment, guilt, and other negative emotions can slowly eat away away at the stability of your life in the following ways;
Anger is an energy that is draining and sadly the process of divorce and divorce laws can set up an overwhelmingly negative situation. That energy of anger robs you and depletes you of your positive power by transfering it to the person you are mad at. How much energy it takes to be mad at your ex? How much time and energy have you spent thinking and lingering over it? Time and Energy both have finite resources and no one has ever benefited by letting negative energy take over the positive and proactive abilities at your disposal.

An instinctive reaction to a grievance is resentment. Stemming and forming from the perception that you have been wronged or somehow being treated unfairly. Resentment can be defined as an inherent binding to bitterness and can be linked to the dangerous road toward outright hatred. These emotions can slowly and surely start to negatively impact the mind, body, and heart not to mention these two negative emotions of resent and anger are unquestionably socially destructive. Have friends stopped returning your calls or emails? It is probably not that they no longer want to be friends as much as it is that spending time with an angry, resentful person is unpleasant. We are not the first to realize that the fastest way to alienate others is to perpetuate yourself as one who cannot let go of the emotional baggage of anger and resentment. When someone who used to be known as “the fun friend” is now known as “the angry friend” you can expect luncheon invitations will start to decline. And while an online divorce kit can help start the divorce process we also recognize that factors of post divorce emotional well being.

In essence-do not lot divorce define your life and who you are. No matter how negative and emotionally draining the divorce process may have been letting it define you as a person is the surest way to limit your post divorce possibilities.

Divorce-Weighing the Cost Spectrum

 

We here at Mydivorcedocuments.com often get asked the question How Much Divorce Really Cost? Its a good question and based purely on the number of variables there is no direct nor scientific answer. If you or your spouse choose to battle tooth and nail of every small step of the divorce process and with high priced legal teams then you are probably looking at both spouses filing for bankruptcy as the end of court proceedings.

Then again the pendulum can swing in the other direction as well , if you can sit down like adults and decide without the assistance of OJs dream team on how best to separate; the costs associated will be infinitesimally smaller by contrast as you and your ex to be can hammer out the details and use a Do It Yourself or DIY Divorce Kit. Keep in mind that with the legal process of divorce there are always going to be some marginal cost associated with the process in itself.

But lest we kid ourselves the data is staggering and overwhelming that Divorce is business unto itself in the US and according to some statistics divorce can be a $28 billion annual industry with the average costs of divorce estimated to be roughly $ 20,000. We must attest this figure largely buoyed by celebrity and other high profile divorces we have covered here in previous blogs.

If you are thinking and weighing your divorce options, then one must assume both the short term and long term costs to consider. While short term costs are mainly associated with the attorney fees the long term ramifications include questions of finance and lifestyle. Thus the DIY Divorce is finding a niche for responsible adults who want a fair and amicable split without the legal rhetoric and courtroom haggling. Divorce kits include legal forms based and custom designed for all US States and cover the gamut of details that need to be decided on like personal property and real estate issues, child support, legal name changes and more. You can simply file and submit these documents to the court with some state laws not even including the provisions of making a date with a judge to explain the reasoning or logic. If it is a nofault uncontested divorce and the documents are fair and reasonable then the divorce can become final. Make no mistake-this is the cheapest way to divorce.

Examining the route of traditional Divorce which sees most couples hiring opposing lawyers to battle out the property, alimony, child support and other issues out in the court of law the costs of divorce can be staggering. With most lawyers charging an hourly rate you can expect to pay somewhere between $ 100 and $ 450 per hour. At at a minimum of $100 bucks a pop-do they really have an incentive to settle amicably and see to it that proceedings happen in a quick and efficient manner? This is not to say that divorce lawyers are all cut from the same cloth as many do have varied philosophies to the divorce process and in the manner they handle most divorce proceedings. But once again- the idea of divorce is to make the split amicable and rationally-the more you can keep a level head and the emotions tame the better off both spouses with be with the outcome. No Fault Uncontested DIY Divorce Kits can make this option a tangible reality.

File For Divorce Online; An Idea Whose Time has Come

 

Back in the day, the idea of divorcing your spouse was a challenge and invariably lead to rumors or innuendos that one spouse must have committed some grounds of divorce as as unspeakable, unsavory or sordid act like committing adultery, spousal abuse or emotional abuse and utilize these as leverage on the assumption they would serve as ammo or the necessary needed proof that your spouse had acted improperly and thus be granted a divorce. Think about that-two adults who wished to make the split almost being forced to attack the other simply to earn the right of being freed of matrimony.

Fortunately, those days are behind us divorcing your spouse is much easier. Most couples can simply divorce sans courthouse using the downloadable divorce kit without the stigma and horror of having you and your family forced to ride the roller coaster of divorce court and the possibility of children having to listen to mom and dads lawyers making each of their parents out to be horrible people. With the theatrics and working knowledge of the courts and the divorce process some lawyers are very adept at stretching a court case out far longer then it other wise would need to be.

If there are children involved-avoiding the courtroom altogether is the best decision possible as it considers the feelings of children and avoids the high probability of humiliation and trauma of sitting and listening hearing about mom or dads worse personal traits paraded through the court.
All states nowadays allow for “no fault”, “no contest”, or uncontested divorce which essentially means that both spouses can agree on the terms of a divorce and amicably work out their own settlement. Considered in this process is the sorting out of assets and loans, cars and houses, child custody, alimony etc etc.

With the notion of a long term courtship or knowing your soul mate after 10 minutes becoming far less frequent- we have seen a distinct rise in couples who are either getting married far too young or simply getting married after a very short time after meeting. As much as we smirk and snicker at the idea of a downloadable divorce kit; A “no contest’” divorce also has the benefit in that a couple can simply decide to split without having to give a reason.

And without question in almost all instances an uncontested divorce kit will surely avoid attorneys, lawyers, and court rooms which also equates to a “no contest” divorce being far more cost effective. Basically seeing both spouses work out the details by themselves to the benefit off all parties involved in an adult, rational decision.

Post Divorce Dating; A Brave New World

 

The court case is over and the papers have been filed, the signatures have been applied with the I’s dotted and the T’s thoroughly crossed. If you completed a no fault uncontested divorce using an online divorce kit it probably means a better position for both parties. If you are a man it means being able to catch a football game with the guys whenever you like without asking for permission. For Women it means being able to spend more time with a close friend and visit all of the places you couldn’t visit when you were married. And once again the possibilities of dating and new exciting relationships linger and ever present.

The facts are though that dating post-divorce can be an exciting yet scary thing. Of course a lot of your attitude will depend on how your divorce went. A no fault uncontested amicable divorce will allow you to enter the new realm on a positive note; while a bitter divorce that may not have ended with the results you wanted may leave you timid, angry, bitter and in no position to once again be the life of the party you were pre-marriage. Every potential dating prospect may remind you of your ex which may set off a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are coming out of a long term marriage the dating game has drastically changed.

New found freedom post-divorce especially after a time consuming relationship can be a wonderful chance for you to get in touch with yourself. This is also a great time to pick up old hobbies or learn more of subjects of interest hat you’ve always wanted more information about but simply didn’t have the time due to marital and familial obligations. It is a shame more dont give out this type of divorce information. Go out and try something new! Make sure you are emotionally prepared and honest with yourself that you are prepared to enter the dating game. Do not look for a new relationship as a band aid or some sort of bridge.

When you take the first baby step into the dating game, tread lightly and slowly. Consider if you are one who likes group settings or more intimate company. There is nothing wrong with preferring conversation to a loud and noisy nightclub. If you used downloadable divorce forms you are probably aware of the new realms offered online. The Internet has opened up an entire new world allowing chat and email communication which means you will probably know far more about your dating partner then the old days of blind dates and pick up joints. Another benefit of online correspondence? You can take the relationship on your pace and terms; not to mention knowing your next date has at least moderate typing and computer skills.

Take advantage of the scenery change! Did you ex take up activities you didn’t like or had some personality quirks you found grating? Look at this as the opportunity to find your soul mate. If you ex had light skin and red hair you can opt for a more dark complected partner. If your partner wasnt the most talented you can find a Karaoke Buddy to spend time with. The Ex was stingy or obsessed with money? Some local art classes or community theater may all provide options for those with a taste for the arts over that of the Benjamins. Do not settle for less! This is a fantastic opportunity to do things on your terms-and if you remarry maybe the last for quite sometime. But remember- if the next marriage doesnt work out there is always do it yourself divorce courtesy of MyDivorceDocuments.com.

Divorce and Adultry

Some recent studies have suggested that fewer marriages are ending due to infidelity, on the face it sounds like a huge step in the right direction for the age old institutional practice of marriage and maybe not the best thing for a company that makes a living with its online divorce kit. 

Though this recent trend is a positive sign and without question a step in the right direction; we would be remiss to the pretend that cheating and marital infidelity has disappeared. It also begs the questions how many acts of martial infidelity go undetected throughout to the life span of marriage. But as we pose the question at heart we ask why does infidelity occur in the first place?

Here is some more divorce information you will find useful. Some Research being done by our friends up north in Canada did a recent study of a group of 1,000 men and women. Those findings offered some interesting perspective into the factors that sway people to seek gratification from a partner other then their spouse.

Amongst the findings it was revealed that stat breakdown was that 23 percent of the guys and 19 percent of the ladies involved in the study had previously cheated on a partner. The study defined cheating as a sexual interaction “with someone other than your primary partner that could jeopardize, or hurt, your relationship.” In Addition, researchers found that women were in fact far likelier to cheat when they felt some amount of low relationship satisfaction. The is some interesting divorce information indeed. The study showed a woman who was in an unhappy relationship with her partner was a full 2.6 times more likely to stray. Other factors such as sexual incompatibility led to a full 2.9 times more likely chance of woman having an affair. Meanwhile, men who report high sexual inhibition due to performance anxiety were more likely to cheat.

Clearly the report indicated that cheating tends to come and stem from factors that effect all relationships at some point. It is not as if these factors are those that any relation ship has never suffered from or ever experienced.

What would seem to be the most obvious factor then in prohibiting marital infidelity is to continually monitor the lines of conversation and foster a relationship build on openness, trust, and honesty. of course there is always the option of do it yourself divorce but a couple who fails to communicate; fails to remain a viable couple. With age comes wisdom and being able to express feelings as well as being open up to take and relate to relationship criticism is seeming the road to a happy marriage And barring a couple who have entered into the bond of holy matrimony for all of the wrong reason and without a sound foundation-there is hope for almost any relationship for those willing to try.

Physical Custody Issues with DIY Divorce

Physical custody section is made up of several activities and events all having do with the actual time lines in which each parent takes and acts as sole guardian of their children at a prearranged, predetermined date as agreed upon by the spouses.